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Giveaway: Chasing Christmas Eve by Jill Shalvis

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Chasing Christmas Eve
A | BN | K | iB
It might too early for the holidays, but there’s never an inconvenient time for a giveaway!

We, along with the great team at Avon, have ten (10) paper copies of Chasing Christmas Eve by Jill Shalvis to giveaway to U.S. and Canadian residents. It’s the fourth book in the Heartbreaker Bay series and can be read on its own – so no worries that you have to chase down books one through three.

Here’s the book description:

Meet cute…

Run for the hills—temporarily. That’s Colbie Albright’s plan when she flees New York for San Francisco. Wrangling her crazy family by day and writing a bestselling YA fantasy series by night has taken its toll. In short, Colbie’s so over it that she’s under it. She’s also under the waters of a historic San Francisco fountain within an hour of arrival. Fortunately, the guy who fishes Colbie out has her looking forward to Christmas among strangers. But she’s pretty sure Spencer Baldwin won’t be a stranger for long.

Make merry…

Spence’s commitment to hiding from the Ghosts of Relationships Past means he doesn’t have to worry about the powerful—okay, crazy hot chemistry—he’s got with Colbie. Just because she can laugh at anything, especially herself… just because she’s gorgeous and a great listener just because she gets Spence immediately doesn’t mean he won’t be able to let Colbie go. Does it?

and hope for a miracle.

Now the clock’s ticking for Colbie and Spence: Two weeks to cut loose. Two weeks to fall hard. Two weeks to figure out how to make this Christmas last a lifetime.

If you’re looking to get a feel for the main characters, he’s a quote from the hero, Spence:

“I don’t want to adult today,” he said, nuzzling in closer. “I don’t even want to human today. Today I want to dog. I want to lie on the floor in the sun. Just pet me and bring me snacks.”

And a quote from the heroine, Colbie:

Colbie shook her head. “No, you don’t understand. I’m leaving tomorrow morning. But I don’t feel right going until I know he’ll be okay, that he’ll still celebrate Christmas.”

Elle just looked at her. “What about Cinder?”

“She’s coming with me.”

“You’re taking a stray cat but leaving behind your man?”

Colbie’s heart twisted. Her man . . . “He doesn’t fit into the carrier I bought.”

What do you think? I’m definitely relating to Spence right now. Who’s all for not adulting today?

If you’re ready to enter, tell us where you’d love to spend the holidays! It could be real or imaginary, with family or on an exotic vacation alone.

Standard disclaimers apply: We are not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Open to US and Canadian residents where permitted by applicable law. Must be over 18. Keep your eyes peeled for any meet cutes. A love of the holidays is not necessary to win, but a love of romance is! And if you’re falling into any fountains, much like the book’s heroine, please have your water wings on. Comments will close Friday October 6, 2017 around noon EDT, and winners will be announced shortly thereafter.

Best of luck!


Cover Awe: Costuming

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This Cover Awe, we’re talking about great costuming on romance covers! Now I will fully admit that I picked all of the covers below, so it’s fully my fault if you hate them. What I also enjoy about this feature is we get to discuss what elements of a cover work for us and what doesn’t. Sometimes, we disagree!

A Princess in Theory by Alyssa Cole. A black man and woman stand before a staircase. The woman is wearing a gorgeous teal and purple patterned dress. She has a crown in her hand. The hero is lifting her up and is wearing a suit.

Amanda: Sarah did a podcast episode with Alyssa on the costuming and you should all go listen to it. But I love the cute dress, like it’s something I could wear, which I love. I also love how the hero’s bow tie is coordinated!

RHG: I love this one.

Elyse: That dress is just breathtaking.

Sarah: I’m entirely biased since I know so much of the story behind this picture, but I love so much about it.

CarrieS: I love the colors!

The Belles by Dhonielle Claton. A black woman has her back to the camera. Her dress has a white top and open back with a red skirt. She has flowers in her hair and a deep pink eyeshadow. She's looking over her shoulder at the camera.

Amanda: Though you can’t see her entire outfit, the whole picture really is something. The make up, the flowers, the hair, and that eye contact. IT’S EYE CONTACT DONE RIGHT. Man, I just want to see the bottom half of her dress. Or is it separates? Please let it be separates.

RHG: I also love this one. That is a BACK.

Sarah: I love the defiance of her expression, and the number of flowers in her hair.

CarrieS: I just can’t picture what happens if she turns her head. Are there more flowers or what? What’s keeping them on there? But I have to agree that her expression is Not Messing Around.

Next Year in Havana by Chanel Cleeton cover. A woman in a gorgeous peach-colored dress, sitting on a turquoise couch. She's wearing dark lipstick and there's a beach landscape of Cuba.

Amanda: There are so many little touches that make this dress a standout – the pearls, feather hair accessory, and that dark lip. I also adore how the color of the dress blends into the pinkish sky. Whether it’s sunrise or sunset, I have no idea.

Sarah: I don’t usually do cover reveals here, but when I saw this cover, I gasped out loud. It conveys so much – with so little in terms of imagery. Just gorgeous.

CarrieS: I would like to see less cleavage and more face if for no other reason than to get to see the whole hat! Otherwise, love it.

Wild Card by Karina Halle. The cover is from the chest up of the hero. He's wearing a cowboy hat and has a thick, wool pullover on.

Amanda: A hero cover! The hero in this book is a cowboy and I like how he’s actually dressed by someone who probably works outside in inclement weather. He’s not blasting his nips or showing off his abs next to some fence in a field.

Sarah: HE HAS CLOTHING ON. LIKE ACTUAL WORK IS TO BE DONE. IN THE WEATHER. ON EARTH.

I need to go lie down now.

CarrieS: I agree, that sweater is a lot sexier than all those abs I keeping seeing on cowboy covers.

Moonglow by Kristen Callihan. A woman with tousled blonde hair is wearing a deep green dress. She's in an ethereal looking forest with a lantern in hand.

Amanda: I think all of the Darkest London books by Callihan are kind of powerful and dreamy. But that dress looks like it was MADE FOR just sulking through a forest with a lantern. And I desperately wish my hair could pull off that artfully tousled look.

Sarah: The balance of color really works for me, but I don’t believe that you wander around in the forest with a lantern and no jacket. AREN’T YOU COLD, MA’AM? Also, where exactly is the wind coming from?

CarrieS: I like the dreamy atmosphere but I too feel a need to give this woman a cardigan. Also, is that a train in the back? In the woods? That’s not a good idea.

Amanda: Maybe it’s a balmy forest, Sarah! I do think the series is undergoing a cover revamp because the ebooks seem to have different designs, which I also love for their minimalist qualities.

What do you think of the covers above? Do you have any favorite romance covers with gorgeous clothing?

Historical Romances & a Hockey Contemporary

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The Truth About Love and Dukes

The Truth About Love and Dukes by Laura Lee Guhrke is $1.99! This is the first book in the Dear Lady Truelove series and the heroine runs an advice column. Readers seem divided on the heroine. Some found her independent and confident, while others found her too brash for their liking. Have you read this one?

Dear Lady Truelove . . . I have fallen in love, truly and completely in love, for the first time. The man whom I hold in such passionate regard, however, is not of my station. He is a painter, a brilliant artist. Needless to say, my family would not approve . . .

Henry, Duke of Torquil, wouldn’t be caught reading the wildly popular “Dear Lady Truelove” column, but when its advice causes his mother to embark on a scandalous elopement, an outraged Henry decides the author of this tripe must be stopped before she can ruin any more lives. Though Lady Truelove’s identity is a closely guarded secret, Henry has reason to suspect the publisher of the notorious column, beautiful and provoking Irene Deverill, is also its author.

For Irene, it’s easy to advise others to surrender to passion, but when she meets the Duke of Torquil, she soon learns that passion comes at a price. When one impulsive, spur-of-the-moment kiss pulls her into a scorching affair with Henry, it could destroy her beloved newspaper, her career, and her independence. But in the duke’s arms, surrender is so, so sweet . . .

 

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Calico Palace

RECOMMENDED: Calico Palace by Gwen Bristow is $2.99! This is an American historical, which Carrie loved. She gave it an A grade:

Beautiful. I adore this book with a couple of caveats that are pretty standard for the time period it’s describing (1848 – 1850) and the time period it was published in (1970, when the author was almost 70 years old). It’s fun, it’s by turns tearjerking and hilarious, it’s feminist, it’s romantic, and it describes a crazy time in history with a lot of excitement, some glamour, and a great deal of grit.

And, of course, guts.

This thrilling story of the California gold rush is not about the forty-niners, the prospectors who came rushing to the San Francisco area in 1849, but about the men and women who were there when it all began with the first discovery of gold in 1848, when San Francisco was a village of 900 people. These were the people who went up to the hills and came back staggering under the weight of the treasure they carried, and who began transforming San Francisco from a shantytown into one of the most brilliant cities in the world.

This novel tells the unforgettable story of how these people walked into one of the most spectacular adventures in the world’s history. They saw the first samples of gold brought to the quartermaster, who said they were flakes of yellow mica. They were there when the first people who saw the gold were laughed at and called “crackbrains.” And they laid the foundation of the golden empire before the first forty-niners got there. Some of them could not meet the demands of this strange new world; others grew stronger and shared the greatness of the country they had helped build. Calico Palace is their story brought to vivid life.

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An Affair with a Notorious Heiress

An Affair with a Notorious Heiress by Lorraine Heath is $1.99! This historical romance came out this May and is the fourth book in the Scandalous Gentlemen of St. James. A few readers wished there was more oomph to the plot, but others loved the chemistry and courtship between the hero and heroine. It has a 3.9-star rating on Goodreads.

The son of a duke and an infamous mother, Alistair Mabry, Marquess of Rexton, fought his way to respectability. Now, the most eligible bachelor in London, marriage-shy Rexton will take only a wife with an impeccable reputation, good breeding, and a penchant for staying out of the gossip sheets. But when he strikes a deal to be seen “courting” a sweet young debutante whose notorious older sister has blemished her chances for marriage, Rexton is unexpectedly drawn to the highly inappropriate, calamitous Tillie, Lady Landsdowne herself.

After a scandalous incident that sent shockwaves throughout society and disgraced her, Tillie refuses to cower in the face of the ton. Instead, she will hold her head high as she serves as chaperone for her younger sister, but Tillie is convinced Rexton’s courtship is shrouded with secrets—ones she vows to uncover. However, doing so requires getting dangerously close to the devilishly handsome and forbidden marquess…

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On the Line

On the Line by Victoria Denault is $1.99! This sports romance is the fifth book in The Hometown Players series and has a 4.2-star rating on Goodreads. Though it can be read as a standalone, many readers of series were really anticipating this hero’s book.

He had total control of his game–until she changed all the rules . . .

As one of the best players in the NHL and the “golden boy” of the league, Avery Westwood knows he has to keep his cool–on and off the ice. His whole life is a carefully constructed image of perfection for the media and his brand sponsors. Of course, that means he can never let his true feelings show. But when it comes to the sexy sister of his former teammate, Avery might be willing to make an exception . . . even if it means breaking all his own rules.

As far as Stephanie Deveau is concerned, having a thing for Avery is the equivalent of psychological napalm. Très bad idea. Then he moves in next door, all sexy smiles and a deliciously hot body that she can’t resist. Something’s happening between them–it’s intense, a little (a lot) out of control, and real. Only Avery doesn’t know everything about Stephanie’s past. And the one exception to his rule might just be the one girl who could destroy his career.

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Scandal Becomes Her by Shirlee Busbee

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F

Scandal Becomes Her

by Shirlee Busbee
June 27, 2007 · Zebra
Regency

Welcome to the latest edition of I Read This Shit So You Don’t Have To. Trigger warnings for discussion of rape and assault.

When I picked up Scandal Becomes Her I was super excited for the gothic elements it offered. Instead I got a pile of WTFery and a hero who is solidly on Team Don’t Fuck That Guy.

I’m pretty much spoiling the shit out of everything in this review, so if you actually want to read this book (and I don’t recommend it)…I don’t know. May the odds be ever in your favor, I guess. And before anyone comments “But Elyse! The eighties were a weird time!” this book was published in 2007.

Our intrepid heroine is Nell Anslowe. She’s resigned herself to being an old maid because ten years ago she was in a riding accident that left her with a limp. Her then-fiancé (also on Team Don’t Fuck That Guy) broke off their engagement.

Since her accident, Nell has had terrifying and graphic dreams of a man murdering women in a dungeon and dropping them down the sluice hole. She’s convinced that her dreams are visions of actual murders.

Nell is also going to inherit a fuckton of money from her dad.  So one night, an impoverished nobleman/mustache-twirling villain named Tynedale kidnaps Nell from her bedroom for the purposes of ruining her so they have to be married. Then his carriage overturns in a storm and Nell is able to flee to an abandoned cottage without Tynedale seeing where she’s gone.

Now enter our hero, and this guy is a fucking treat.

Julian, Earl of Wyndham, is also on the road during this storm because his stepsister, Elizabeth, may have run away with a dashing captain (as Regency ladies are wont to do).

Julian was disinclined to set out in pursuit. His ride home in the sedan chair he had hailed upon leaving Boodle’s had already acquainted him with the fact that there was  wicked storm moving over the area. And if Elizabeth was damn silly enough to throw her future away on Carver, let her! But Diana’s sobs and pleadings finally overcame his common sense and convinced him that it was his duty to stop such an impudent match.

Grumbling and muttering, he ordered his horse brought round and changed his clothes. Within a matter of minutes, a broad-brimmed hat pulled across his forehead and swathed in a many-caped greatcoat, he was riding hell-bent for leather out of London. As the weather did its best to make his ride a nightmare, and he doggedly pressed forward, his thoughts were not kind toward his stepsister. In fact, he rather thought that he would beat Elizabeth soundly and throttle young Carver when he caught up to them.

So he’s pissy about being out in the rain and is going to beat his stepsister.

Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta says Fuck you. while raising her middle finger

Anyway, Julian is forced to take shelter in the same cottage as Nell, and you can guess what happens next.

He’s a perfect gentleman and offers her his coat and they discuss the weather until they can be rescued?

Nope. We get this:

They landed in a heap, Julian on top of her. His warm weight crushed her to the floor and, panicked, Nell struck him. “Let me go!” she gasped. “You are no gentleman to treat me so! My father will have your hide if you dare touch me.”

Julian smiled down at her, the feel of her slender body beneath him the most delicious sensation he had ever experienced. Rape, however, had never appealed to him and two things were apparent: she was an innocent and wanted none of him. But that mouth was an overwhelming temptation and he coaxed, “One kiss, poppet. Just one.”

You know, I’d like to think that most dudes don’t have to contemplate or mention the fact that rape has never appealed to them BECAUSE THE IDEA THAT IT WOULD BE APPEALING IS SO ABHORRENT AND REPULSIVE.

When a hero has to qualify things like “rape never appealed to me,” does that mean at one point it might have? That someone else was like, “It’s terrific, you should try some!” That he associated with people who do find it appealing?

Isn’t the threshold for basic decency that you don’t question if rape is appealing in the first place?

Fuck. This. Guy.

A ferret rolls aound on a couch, pulling pillows down on top of itself while the words "fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything" flash.

So anyway, Nell and Julian are found by her brother and father who have been searching for her the entire night. They think briefly about just “pretending this never happened” and all going home, but then (I shit you not) this nosy couple fucking wanders into the abandoned cottage and is all like “Oh, hulloo! What’s everyone about, then?”

We’ve just has this monstrous storm and apparently these two are like, “Well, shall we wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and wander down to that one abandoned cottage that literally no one knows about just to see what’s up?

Of course, dear! That sounds delightful! And also don’t forget we’ll have to navigate swamped roadways and overturned trees. Let me get my bonnet.

So now Nell and Julian basically have to get married.

Julian goes home and shows us, once again, that he is the actual worst:

Slumped bonelessly in the deep copper tub, Julian groaned pleasurably as the heated water gradually worked its magic on his exhausted body. Bliss. Sipping a goblet of wine, tenderly handed him by his butler, Dibble, he decided he might live after all.

I really hate this dude. Even the fact that his butler is named Dibble makes me want to punch him.

So anyway, Julian decides he won’t make any physical demands of Nell on their wedding night because he had a brief spell of self-reflection and a moment of decency popped out, I guess? But then, when Nell is like “Oh, thank God!” he pouts in the corner with his brandy.

Then one night Nell has one of her horrifyingly graphic murder nightmares  and Julian busts into her room (naked of course because Dibble knows his lordship likes to feel the freshly pressed linens on his supple nutsack) because she’s screaming.

And basically the scene goes like this:

“OMG ARE YOU OKAY WHAT EVEN?”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you that I have horrifying and graphic dreams of torture and murder and likely watched a woman being killed right now and hey, you’re naked!”

“Yes, I prefer the feeling of the linens rubbing directly on the supple flesh of my nutsack.”

“So, I’ve just had this dream that would…how do I say this delicately…cause an average human being to shit themselves, but now that I’ve seen a peen, I definitely want to bone.”

“Cheerio then! Dibble! Fetch me my boning brandy! And a cold compress for my neck for after!”

Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia says No thanks.

So then a whole bunch of stuff happens.

Julian’s stepmom, Diana, shows up for a visit and Julian thinks:

Not only could Diana’s fits and starts be a problem but he also feared the feminine squabbles that might break out. If Diana began to lord it over Nell…The hideous image of himself torn asunder between two raging women rose in his mind.

Regina George from Mean Girls says shut up

But Diana and Nell get along fine and if anyone tears Julian asunder, it will be Dibble when one future blood-soaked day he’s had enough of scrubbing his master’s foot-calluses while he reclines in his copper tub with his boning brandy. (Ed. note: you do read a lot of thrillers, don’t you?)

So then the ladies go riding one day and Nell is thrown from her horse and rescued by Julian’s cousin, Charles, who lives next door. But he’s “one of those cousins” with whom Julian isn’t on speaking terms, so then Julian gets jealous.

Also staying with Charles is Tynedale (of course) and Raoul (another cousin) who is also painted to be evil purely because his mom is French, I guess.

So like zero to sixty, we find out that three potential villains live next door and you just know one of them is the dude throwing ladies down the sluice hole.

In a series of events that were all extremely confusing, we find out that Julian’s cousin (another one) (I know) John was murdered ten years ago. And that maybe Nell witnessed that murder and the killers made it look like she had a riding accident (she doesn’t remember much before being rescued) hoping that she’d die from her injuries. And now she’s somehow psychically linked to the killer and sees him committing murders? IDK.

Samantha from Sex in the City drunk eye rolls while holding a martini glass.

Also Julian worries that Nell might be in love with Tynedale, the guy who kidnapped her and would have raped her.

He tossed off the last of the brandy, his face grim. So, did he believe her or not? He recalled the glitter in her fine eyes, the outrage on her face, and a wave of remorse and shame washed over him. How could he have doubted her? He was a  fool! The moment Tynedale’s name had been uttered, he’d reacted like a callow youth in love for the first time–allowing insecurity and jealousy to rule him.

A wry smile crossed his face. Well, he was in love for the first time, surely that gave him some excuse. But there was no denying that he’d let a green-eyed monster, and, he admitted, his own tempter drive a wedge between them they did not need. He took a deep breath. Even if he was not in love with Nell, he would not allow their relationship to deteriorate. He had failed at one marriage, he would not another. And he would not lose Nell to Tynedale without a fight. She was his…and he loved her.

Her nightmares, her link to the murderer, troubled him deeply. If John’s murderer were to learn of that link…If even a hint of Nell’s connection to him  were discovered…A chill of bone-deep terror enveloped him. Until this monster, this vile beast of her nightmare was caught, Nell was in desperate danger, her very life could be at stake. At the idea of Nell being harmed a rage such as he had never known exploded through him. His fingers tightened on the snifter and the delicate stem of the snifter snapped. It was the stinging of his palm that brought him back from the well of black fury that he had fallen into and, starting at the blood welling from the deep cuts on his fingers, he made a vow: he would find this monster and kill him. For Nell’s sake, this creature must be found and killed.

And that’s about as much emotional growth as we get from Julian.

His plan to find the monster and bring him to justice involves Julian and his cousin Marcus (how many fucking cousins does this guy have?!) riding around England and asking people if they can look at their dungeons to see if any of them match Nell’s description.

Seriously.

“Hello total stranger! Might I look at your dungeon? For very non-creepy reasons, I assure you.”

Also there’s some super racist shit about “gypsies.”

Then a woman is found murdered on Julian’s property and they realize that the killer is literally in the neighborhood. And Julian is assisted in the man-hunt by his groundskeeper and the local doctor, both of whom are his half siblings because his father apparently got half the county pregnant.

I’m not even making this up. I just…

Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous drinks straight from the bottle.

So if you’re looking for a super satisfying resolution to the murder-dungeon thing, there isn’t one. There’s also not a super satisfying resolution to any internal conflict between Julian and Nell, either. Basically she worries that he can’t love her because he’s still in love with his late wife to which Julian is all “Pfffft, I didn’t even like her. Haven’t you picked up on the fact that I’m a total asshole yet?”

And that’s the whole fucking book.

I know because I read all of it. So you don’t have to.

So why did I give this book a F and not a F+? I feel that F+ is a grade reserved for magical unicorns of books that are so bad that they are good–compulsively readable. Moreover the books I grade F+ have an element of joy to their WTFery. This book was a painful slog. I read Scandal Becomes Her because I had to tell The Bitchery about all of this nonsense, not because I was enjoying myself in spite of the book.

HaBO: Hero Climbs Through Heroine’s Window

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This HaBO request is from Hannah, who is looking for a historical romance:

I’m looking for a book, it’s a historical romance novel, Victorian era I think. One of the first scenes involves the main female character at a house party. The main male character sneaks in through her window trying to escape a woman hiding in his room to trap him in a marriage. She helps him out by hiding him in her bed curtains. Both main characters are perused by rather villainous characters, wanting to trap them in marriage and more awkward situations ensue. Eventually there is a trip to a castle and she almost has to marry the villain. I wanna say he is nobility and friends with a member of her family.

I’m pretty sure there is a sequel about a girl named Meg who is into botany and trying to find a husband based on his plants. It starts with her at a party, kissing potential suitors in the hedge.

Now I’m sure window-sneaking isn’t terribly uncommon, but maybe someone knows this based on the awesome sounding sequel.

Urban Fantasy, Plus More Historical Romances

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Borrowed Souls

Borrowed Souls by Chelsea Mueller is $1.99! I have it on good authority that this sale will only last until Thursday, so get it while you can. I thought this urban fantasy was incredibly original, though it does suffer from your typical first-book-in-an-urban-fantasy growing pains. But I really loved the heroine!

Callie Delgado always puts family first, and unfortunately her brother knows it. She’s emptied her savings, lost work, and spilled countless tears trying to keep him out of trouble, but now he’s in deeper than ever, and his debt is on Callie’s head. She’s given a choice: do some dirty work for the mob, or have her brother returned to her in tiny pieces.

Renting souls is big business for the religious population of Gem City. Those looking to take part in immoral—or even illegal—activity can borrow someone else’s soul, for a price, and sin without consequence.

To save her brother, Callie needs a borrowed soul, but she doesn’t have anywhere near the money to pay for it. The slimy Soul Charmer is willing to barter, but accepting his offer will force Callie into a dangerous world of magic she isn’t ready for.

With the help of the guarded but undeniably attractive Derek—whose allegiance to the Charmer wavers as his connection to Callie grows—she’ll have to walk a tight line, avoid pissing off the bad guys, all while struggling to determine what her loyalty to her family’s really worth.

Losing her brother isn’t an option. Losing her soul? Maybe.

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Temptations of a Wallflower

RECOMMENDEDTemptations of a Wallflower by Eva Leigh is $2.99! The previous books are also discounted. Elyse read this one and gave it an A-:

Temptations of a Wallflower is very very sexy (people talking openly about sex and finding what works for them together is sexy) and it’s also very smart. There were a few things I still wanted, though. Overall, I found the third book in the Wicked Quills of London series to be eminently readable and very hot, and I highly recommend it.

Eva Leigh’s deliciously sexy Wicked Quills of London series continues as a Lady’s secret career writing erotic fiction is jeopardized by real-life romance . . .

In society circles she’s known as the Watching Wallflower—shy, quiet, and certainly never scandalous. Yet beneath Lady Sarah Frampton’s demure façade hides the mind of The Lady of Dubious Quality, author of the most titillating erotic fiction the ton has ever seen. Sarah knows discovery would lead to her ruin, but marriage—to a vicar, no less—could help protect her from slander. An especially tempting option when the clergyman in question is the handsome, intriguing Jeremy Cleland.

Tasked with unmasking London’s most scandalous author by his powerful family, Jeremy has no idea that his beautiful, innocent bride is the very woman he seeks to destroy. His mission must remain a secret, even from the new wife who stirs his deepest longings. Yet when the truth comes to light, Sarah and Jeremy’s newfound love will be tested. Will Sarah’s secret identity tear them apart or will the temptations of his wallflower wife prove too wicked to resist?

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Delicious

RECOMMENDEDDelicious by Sherry Thomas is $1.99! If you like a foodie element in your romances, this one’s for you. Redheadedgirl really enjoyed this one and gave it an A:

This is a story of two people who have been punished by society for actions that weren’t necessarily their own, and who tried to make the best of it, and got a second chance at working their shit out, while surrounded by delicious, delicious food. Do not read while hungry.

Famous in Paris, infamous in London, Verity Durant is as well-known for her mouthwatering cuisine as for her scandalous love life. But that’s the least of the surprises awaiting her new employer when he arrives at the estate of Fairleigh Park following the unexpected death of his brother.

To rising political star Stuart Somerset, Verity Durant is just a name and food is just food, until her first dish touches his lips. Only one other time had he felt such pure arousal–a dangerous night of passion with a stranger, who disappeared at dawn. Ten years is a long time to wait for the main course, but when Verity Durant arrives at his table, there’s only one thing that will satisfy Stuart’s appetite for more. But is his hunger for lust, revenge–or that rarest of delicacies, love? For Verity’s past has a secret that could devour them both even as they reach for the most delicious fruit of all.…

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Heir to the Duke

RECOMMENDED: Heir to the Duke by Jane Ashford is $1.99! Several readers on Goodreads found the heroine unlikeable, but Redheadedgirl gave this one a B+:

The resolution involves some secrets, and some parenting, and a lot of growing up and being less “family fixer” and more “head of the family but let your sequel bait brothers figure their own shit out (why do you need a bishop, anyway?)”

Delightful. Didn’t give me a good book noise, but engaging and fun and hey, we don’t get to go to Brighton a lot. Yay for new places!

Nathaniel Gresham, the handsome Viscount Hargove, lives a life devoted to familial duty. As his father’s eldest son, Nathaniel’s identity remains the “heir to the Duke of Langford.” But this quiet, restrained life changes the minute he marries sweet Lady Violet Devere.

Oppressed by her family all her life, Violet is longing for her marriage vows to be spoken. Though her arranged marriage to Nathaniel was not a match made for love, they’re both looking forward to the comparative freedom of married life. And Violet is determined to show Nathaniel how to enjoy it, both in and out of the bedroom.

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HaBO: Model Heroine Becomes a Teacher

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This HaBO comes to us from Sara, who wants to find an older category romance:

My google-fu is weak. Help me, Habo-wan?

I’m pretty sure this is a book I read back in the mid-90s, as that’s when I did the bulk of my category romance reading, but it could have been as late as 2000-ish. I believe it would have been a non-specialized Harlequin romance – it didn’t have a super-involved plot.

The book starts out with the blond heroine retiring from a modeling career to become a teacher. She’s just done her last modeling job and she eats her first burger in forever. It’s stuck in my mind that she gets ill because she hasn’t eaten greasy food for so long – I think vomiting in the gutter happens. Our setting is New York City.

The hero is your basic kinda-stalker alphole businessman. I think he’d been obsessed with her for some time from afar and goes to some lengths to get her to go out with him, wooing her with fanciness. I think she was resistant because she thought he just wanted arm candy?

For some reason I think the aforementioned burger vomiting into a gutter was out the door of his chauffeured car at the end of his first wooing attempt. She does become a teacher and de-glamorizes. Eventually she realizes that he likes her for her and happily ever after happens.

If someone is able to identify this, wonderful. And if not I will fully understand as even among the Bitchery I would find in depth recall of 25 year old category romance beyond impressive.

I hope the heroine gets to enjoy a burger later on in the romance without having any issues. To me, that’d be the real HEA.

Unforgivable Love by Sophfronia Scott

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Unforgivable Love

by Sophfronia Scott
September 26, 2017 · William Morrow Paperbacks
Literary Fiction

Some of you know my love for Les Liaisons Dangereuses: it’s my favorite play (EVER), has spawned three of my favorite movies, and hands down, is the greatest epistolary novel of all time (OF ALL TIME). It’s got everything – love, sex, revenge, horrible people being horrible, comeuppance, banter, and no one learning anything, at all. Ever.

So when Amanda (seriously, this was like SIX MONTHS AGO) said “Hey, there’s a retelling of Dangerous Liaisons set in Harlem in the 1940s coming out!” I jumped on it and waited EVER SO PATIENTLY.

It’s everything I wanted. Everything.

This is ultimately the story of Mae Malveaux, a cosmetic empire heiress, and the one person who was ever her equal in everything, Valiant Jackson. Mae finds out that her most recent lover left her to marry a sweet virginal girl, and Mae wants nothing more than to humiliate the man who would dare leave her, so she engages Val, a known man about town, to seduce the girl and teach her a few things.

Val has his own project in mind: Elizabeth Townsend, the very proper, devout wife of a prominent civil rights attorney who is down south on a case. Val wants her to surrender to him. A bet is made on Val’s success, and over the course of the hot summer of 1947 (the summer that Jackie Robinson integrated major league baseball), things go horribly, horribly wrong.

The thing with this story is that you can set it pretty much anywhere and anytime that there’s an upper crust of people who have a lot of money and a lot of time on their hands, so they can devote a lot of energy into doing whatever they want to do. Mae and Val don’t need to spend any time making money or worrying about keeping roofs over their heads. Neither do most of the other major characters. This level of scheming doesn’t work if you have a day job.  But within that constraint, you can put it anywhere.

Setting it in Harlem with Black characters adds a level of complexity to it. Mae’s motivation to become the woman she is – able to have her cake, eat it, and still convince everyone that she never had any cake in the first place – is that she knows that a woman’s place in the world is a tenuous thing, and her reputation is the most important thing to society. So she socially engineers everyone around to see one thing about her, while she does what she wants. While the Marquise de Merteuil only has to walk that tightrope in one dimension, Mae Malveaux has to walk it in two. She is both Black and a woman.

Cecily (the Cecile analogue) also has to walk that tightrope, but she walks it with no knowledge. While Mae knows about pleasure and how to get it, Cecily has been kept in total ignorance of everything, even of her own body. I liked the tweaks made to Cecily (giving her an happy ending, for one). In the play, Cecile is a difficult character to get around because we’re not given much. This novel expands on her inner life, and explores her desires beyond the ones that Mae puts into her head.

Valiant/Valmont is a fascinating character because he’s gone through his life taking who and whatever he wanted, and it’s when he exposes himself to Elizabeth that he becomes a better version of himself. Of course, that better version is completely incompatible with his life and his own concept of who he is.

Elizabeth finds a kind of love that she doesn’t have in her marriage, which is perfectly and staidly respectable, but boring. The pleasure she finds with Val is new and exciting for her. She does actually love him. But ultimately, this love is doomed, and so are they.

The key with a Liaisons take is that the main characters aren’t good people. They’re legitimately horrible who do horrible things. But they have to be sympathetic: you have to understand where they are coming from. In a book, you can’t rely on John Malkovich and Glenn Close (or Colin Firth and Annette Benning or Sarah Michelle Gellar and Ryan Phillipe) to add the charisma. Scott does an excellent job of drawing these two damaged people and making them whole people.

This was a GREAT variation on Liaisons. I couldn’t put it down. The setting was perfect – especially with polite Harlem society being centered around the church (even as everyone is spending their evenings at the jazz clubs). The level of moral tightrope walking that needs to be done is incredible and perfect for this story.

If you already have an affinity for Liaisons, or you’re looking for something set in Harlem- READ THIS. NOW. And then tell me if my casting of Renee Elise Goldsberry for Mae is correct (It’s correct).  (I mean, hell, if we’re going to the full Hamilton route, then Leslie Odom Jr. is your Valiant.)


Book Club October Selection: With This Curse by Amanda DeWees

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October is my favorite time of year. I love the perfect fall weather, the appearance of pumpkin/ apple spiced everything, and I totally love all the spooky stuff associated with Halloween. That’s why for this month’s book club,  I recommended that we try a Gothic romance. So for October, we’ll be reading With This Curse by Amanda DeWees.

I cut my teeth on Gothics written by Victoria Holt and Phyllis Whitney before I ever picked up a romance novel, and in many ways Gothics were the precursor to the historical romance. Inspired by Jane Eyre and Rebecca, these books are often set on desolate moors and crumbling estates. The narrative comes only from the heroine’s POV, which help keeps the hero a mysterious, always intriguing and desirable (but also potentially menacing) figure at a distance. There is also frequently an element of the supernatural in these books: ghosts, curses, and shadowy figures feature heavily.

Set in Victorian Cornwall, With This Curse features a (you guessed it) cursed estate, and a heroine who returns to it years after she was banished. Clara Crofton was the daughter of the housekeeper at Gravesend, and at seventeen was sent away after a youthful fling with the family scion, Richard. Now, years later, Richard is dead and his brother Atticus wants Clara to return to Gravesend as his wife. With few prospects, Clara reluctantly agrees, but she finds Gravesend haunted by memories of Richard, and she dreads the Gravesend curse that causes the members of the Blackwood family to lose the thing they love the most. Even though their marriage started as one of convenience, Clara finds herself drawn more and more to her new husband and dreads the possibility of losing him to the curse. Hidden passages, malicious whispers down dark corridors, and mysterious letters make this book delightfully creepy.

If you’re unfamiliar with the title, here’s the description:

Can a curse strike twice in a woman’s life? In 1854, seventeen-year-old chambermaid Clara Crofton was dismissed from Gravesend Hall for having fallen in love with Richard Blackwood, the younger son of the house.

Alone in the world, Clara found a tenuous position as a seamstress, but she always blamed the Gravesend curse for the disaster that had befallen her–and for Richard’s death soon after in the Crimean War. Now, more than eighteen years later, Richard’s twin, Atticus, seeks out Clara with a strange proposal: if she will marry him and live with him as his wife in name only to ease the mind of his dying father, Atticus will then endow her with a comfortable income for the rest of her life. Clara knows that he is not disclosing his true motives, but when she runs out of options for an independent life, she has no choice but to become Atticus’s wife.

For Clara, returning to Gravesend as a bride brings some triumph… but also great unease. Not only must she pretend to be a wellborn lady and devoted wife to a man whose face is a constant reminder of the love she lost, but ominous portents whisper that her masquerade brings grave danger. “This house will take from you what you most treasure,” her mother once warned her. But the curse has already taken the man Clara loved. Will it now demand her life?

With This Curse is also available digitally for $3.99! Not bad. Not bad at all!

The date for the chat will be announced later in the month! Looking forward to discussing the book with all of you!

Brides, Mistletoe, & More!

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The Diviners

RECOMMENDED: The Diviners by Libba Bray is $2.99! This is YA fantasy set in 1920s New York, so you can bet there are plenty of amazing clothes and fancy speakeasies. I personally loved the cast of characters, especially the heroine Evie and Evie’s uncle, who happens to curate an occult museum. However, some people found Evie to border on the TSTL category. Any readers care to weigh in on what they thought?

Evie O’Neill has been exiled from her boring old hometown and shipped off to the bustling streets of New York City–and she is pos-i-toot-ly thrilled. New York is the city of speakeasies, shopping, and movie palaces! Soon enough, Evie is running with glamorous Ziegfield girls and rakish pickpockets. The only catch is Evie has to live with her Uncle Will, curator of The Museum of American Folklore, Superstition, and the Occult–also known as “The Museum of the Creepy Crawlies.”

When a rash of occult-based murders comes to light, Evie and her uncle are right in the thick of the investigation. And through it all, Evie has a secret: a mysterious power that could help catch the killer–if he doesn’t catch her first.

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Stealing Mr. Right

Stealing Mr. Right by Tamara Morgan is 99c! This is a romance between a jewel thief and an FBI agent. Both Elyse and I grabbed this from the Goodie Room at RT. Elyse has started it and says there’s some great back and forth banter. The book is told through the heroine’s POV and some reader’s wanted more romance between the hero and heroine. The second book is $1.99 and you can preorder the third one for $2.99!

“A sexy, fun, cat-and-mouse chase that hooked me from page one!” –Jennifer Probst, New York Times & USA Today Bestselling Author of The Marriage Bargain

I’m a wanted jewel thief.
He’s FBI.
What’s that saying? Keep your friends close…and your husband closer.

Being married to a federal agent certainly has its perks.

1. I just love the way that man looks in a suit.
2. This way I always know what the enemy is up to.

Spending my days lifting jewels and my nights tracking the Bureau should have been a genius plan. But the closer I get to Grant Emerson, the more dangerous this feels. With two million dollars’ worth of diamonds on the line, I can’t afford to fall for my own husband.

It turns out that the only thing worse than having a mortal enemy is being married to one. Because in our game of theft and seduction, only one of us will come out on top.

Good thing a cat burglar always lands on her feet.

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The Wrong Bride

The Wrong Bride by Gayle Callen is $2.99! This historical romance has a mistaken identity element and a hint of an arranged marriage. Some readers wished the heroine was a bit stronger in personality, while others recommend this for fans of slow burn romances.

USA Today bestselling author Gayle Callen creates an unforgettable story of mistaken identity and irresistible attraction in this first in a wonderfully engaging series set in the Scottish Highlands…

Shaken from sleep during the night and bundled off to the Highlands by a burly Scot, Riona is at first terrified, then livid. Hugh McCallum insists they were promised to each other as children to ensure peace between their clans. The stubborn laird refuses to believe he’s kidnapped the wrong Catriona Duff. Instead, he embarks on a campaign of slow-burning seduction.

At first, Hugh cares only what their marriage can do for his people. Now he’s starting to crave Riona for her own sake, but her true identity jeopardizes his clan’s contract. And unless she chooses to risk all to be his bride, he’ll lose the only thing he prizes more than the lands he’s fought so hard to save—the passionate marriage they could have together.

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What Happens Under the Mistletoe

What Happens Under the Mistletoe is $2.99! This is a historical romance holiday anthology from some well-known authors in the genre. Some readers recommend this quick read to get into the holiday spirit, while others say the romances happen a bit too quickly. (But that’s often a common problem in novella-length romances, in my opinion.) Have you read this one?

New York Times bestselling authors Sabrina Jeffries, Karen Hawkins, and Candace Camp, and USA TODAY bestselling author Meredith Duran come together for a sizzling historical romance holiday anthology.

Stunned by the heat of an unexpected kiss on a cold winter’s eve, two strangers from vastly different worlds turn hotheaded principles into burning passion in Sabrina Jeffries’s delightful yuletide story, The Heiress and the Hothead. In the snowy Scottish countryside, Karen Hawkins’s rakish duke has an unforgettable holiday encounter in Twelve Kisses when the alluring lady he surprises under the mistletoe is not who he expected, but a long-lost love with a score to settle. In By Any Other Name, Edinburgh is aglitter for Christmastime as Candace Camp sends a curious gentleman in hot pursuit of an intriguing lady in disguise—one who refuses to reveal her true identity, though she fears he has already stolen her heart with his kiss. In Sweet Ruin, will the festive spirit of the season sweep Meredith Duran’s feisty heroine beneath the mistletoe—and back into the arms of the dashing rogue whose carelessness soiled her reputation and sent her into exile in London?

In this all-new story collection sparkling with sexy charm and heartwarming wit, four beloved bestselling authors reveal the mix-ups and make-ups, the missed chances and golden opportunities that come but once a year.

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Links: A Whole Lotta Romance Talk

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Workspace with computer, journal, books, coffee, and glasses.It’s been a difficult week and we hope all of you have been taking steps to take care of yourselves. For this edition of Wednesday Links, we’re getting back to what brought us here in the first place: a love of romance.

Ana and Thea of The Book Smugglers posted a spotlight on the ladies of the romance store The Ripped Bodice, whom they interviewed about being ladies entrepreneurs, about kickstarting etc. Bea and Leah also generously put together a box of romance goodies (pics attached) for our Kickstarter – which is in its last few days. Sarah backed it and is cheering them on.

Their Kickstarter has been successfully backed, but they have a pretty sweet stretch goal that they’d like to meet.

Sarah wrote a great response to the NYT Romance Roundup. Do read it if you missed it. I, however, am less eloquent as I proceeded to have many glasses of white wine and write up a rant over at Book Riot.

From RWA: Judging sign-up for the 2018 RITA Contest opens Tuesday, October 3, at 9 a.m. (CDT). This year, the RITAs are moving to an all-digital format, meaning judges will receive an electronic packet of books to read. This move benefits the organization and membership in multiple ways, and we hope it will make the contest run much more smoothly and effectively! To find out more about this change, please view our FAQ.

If you’re planning to enter this year’s contest—or if you’re a PAN member—please sign up to judge. A link to the judging sign-up form will be posted on the RWA website on October 3. RITA submissions will open November 1 at 11 a.m. (CDT).


Laptop Cord Winders

I have one of these from Above the Fray, and it's great for keeping my MacBook cord contained and safe from being pulled or frayed. There are earbud winders, too! -SW


Bawdy Bookworms – this quarter’s box is available now. Code SMARTB for free US shipping or $6 off international shipping is still live. I really enjoyed the previous box. The book selection was a pleasant surprise and the item quality is top notch.

Close up of items featured in the Hurts So Good Bawdy Bookworm box, including a leather paddle.

Add a little kink into your life with Hurts So Good, this quarter’s Bawdy Bookworms Box.

To keep the respect for romance going, please give “Welcome to the Romance Resistance” a read at Salon. Our lovely Sarah is quoted!

Obviously authors appreciate the fact that their romances are selling well, but that doesn’t mean it’s been easy to turn to writing about love at a time when there are so many threats to their health, safety and democratic ideals. All the authors I interviewed for this story said writing romance has been challenging for them post-election but that it’s ultimately been helpful as they forge ahead, as has reading the work of their fellow novelists.

Asked what role romance has played in her life since Trump’s ascendancy, SaFleur said it’s helped counter the real-life drama taking place nearby.

And as always, thank you to the authors, readers, and everyone in between for making the romance community an awesome place!

Don’t forget to share what super cool things you’ve seen, read, or listened to this week! And if you have anything you think we’d like to post on a future Wednesday Links, send it my way!

The Rec League: YA Fantasy for Harry Potter Fans

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The Rec League - heart shaped chocolate resting on the edge of a very old bookBitchery member, Elizabeth, has a special request and time is of the essence! She has a lovely idea to pass out bookmarks with reading recommendations, so let’s help her out:

I’ve gotten a lot of recommendations for great books from the Bitchery at large, so I now come seeking your help. I attend an annual Harry Potter convention called CONjuration every year (if you’re in the Atlanta area, it’s a seriously fun convention for all ages, but skewed a little more toward teens and younger children.)

This year I am going as Madam Pince (complete with Monster Book of Monsters) and will be handing out bookmarks with my Harry Potter Chibi patterns on the front and my shop info on the back. I also want to add a “You May Also Like” book recommendation on the back to encourage further fantasy reading (or reading in general). I know there are all the usual suspects (like Artemis Fowl and the Hunger Games and the Mortal Instruments, etc) but these kids are voracious readers and have probably already run through all of those. I’d like to get some recommendations for newer book that they may not have heard of yet, that are light fantasy suitable for YA and all-ages readers (like the recently mentioned Heartstone by Elle Katherine White, which I got at RT and squeed all over.)

I know this is the best place to get recommendations from like-minded readers, so if you ladies can recommend some suitable titles, I would be profoundly grateful!

Sarah: The Robin McKinley books are a great place to start with a reader who is curious about full-on immersive worldbuilding, too.

Amanda: For fantasy, The Blue Sword ( BN | K | G | iB | Au | Amazon → ) and for something more romantic, Rose Daughter ( BN | K | iB | Amazon → ).

SarahThe Enchanted Chocolate Pot series is so charming it’s ridiculous.

Redheadedgirl: Books by Tamora Pierce and Diane Duane!

AmandaHowl’s Moving Castle by Dianna Wynne Jones ( BN | K | G | iB | Amazon → ). She was a great storyteller.

Carrie: I’m afraid these are all older rather than newer!

For younger grades, the How to Train Your Dragon series ( BN | K | G | iB | Amazon → ).

Song of the Lioness series by Tamora Pierce.

Young Wizards series by Diane Duane ( BN | K | G | iB | Amazon → ).

Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C. Wrede ( | Amazon → )

Amanda: Hex Hall by Rachel Hawkins ( | K | G | iB | Scribd | Amazon → )! It has that magical school element too.  And I think Carrie reviewed a book called Seriously Wicked ( BN | K | G | iB | Amazon → ) or at least something similar.

What suggestions do you have for Elizabeth? She made need some longer bookmarks!

SBTB Goodreads Quarterly Challenges!

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Did you know we have a Goodreads group? Because we totally do!

It’s a rather relaxed place where we can talk about favorite series and tropes, gripe about reading slumps, and give each other recommendations.

After the great success of the Ripped Bodice Summer Bingo challenge, members of our Goodreads group wanting to keep the challenges going. I put together two challenges in which users can participate that span form October 1 to December 31.

To participate, you must be a member of the Goodreads group, as it helps to keep track of everyone since…WE HAVE PRIZES!

For the October – December Quarterly Theme Challenge, the prizes are:

  • Complete all fifteen tasks and one random participant will receive a $50 Amazon gift card or 3 books of your choosing.
  • One randomly selected participant gets a SBTB prize pack, which includes stickers and swag. No need to complete all of the tasks

For the October – December Quarterly Cover Hunt Challenge, the prizes are:

  • Complete level 1 (6 books): a randomly selected participant who has finished this level will receive SBTB prize pack (stickers, buttons, etc) and a $5 Amazon gift card.
  • Complete level 2 (12 books): a randomly selected participant who has finished this level will receive 2 books of their choice or $25 Amazon gift card.
  • Complete level 3 (18 books): a randomly selected participant who has finished this level will receive 3 books of their choice or $50 Amazon gift card.

Winners will be selected once the challenge wraps and announced in our Goodreads group.

Looking forward to seeing what books we all wind up reading!

The Ripped Bodice Report on Racial Diversity in Romance

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Grab a drink and have a seat, because here come some compelling and powerful words and numbers. Bea and Leah Koch of The Ripped Bodice have compiled an inaugural report on the State of Racial Diversity in Romance Publishing.

From their press release:

In their first year and a half in business, the Kochs grew increasingly aware of the limited number of options for customers looking for traditionally published books written by people of color. However, “we have found it difficult to continue the conversation about diversity in romance without hard data,” says report co-author Leah Koch.

“For many years the common refrain from publishers has been ‘we’re working on it.’ Every year we will track industry growth and see if that promise rings true.”

Their hope is that with concrete facts and figures it will be harder for the industry as a whole to ignore the fact that there is a problem.

“Honestly we were shocked at how abysmal the numbers are.” says Bea Koch. “We thought they would be bad; we didn’t think they would be this bad.”

Their goal: “reporting the percentage of books published in 2016 that were written by people of color.”

The Kochs collected their data pool through the following steps:

  1. “Identify and contact the leading romance publishers to determine if they will participate.” The survey included 20 romance publishers: “every publisher included in the report was offered the chance to participate, and more than half did, contributing their time and energy to the report.” Those participating in this study: Carina Press, Crimson Romance, Dreamspinner, Entangled, Harlequin Series, HQN, Kensington, Mira, Riptide, Sourcebooks, and St. Martins Press.
  2. “Collect 2016 title data for publishers which did not choose to participate from publisher and distributor catalogues and websites.”
  3. “Research more than 1000 authors to identify people of color.”
  4. Do all the math.  (My summary, not theirs.) Their margin of error is partially based on potential for misidentification as their research tools included social media, biographies, author websites, and photographs.

Important question: Why only race?

Bea and Leah wrote, “While many groups are still woefully underrepresented in the romance genre, including people with disabilities, marginalized religious groups, and members of the LGBTQ community, we had to start somewhere. This is a difficult subject to discuss, but racial discrimination is one of the largest barriers to equality in any professional industry. Publishing is not immune.”

The results?

You can download the report here (PDF, 1MB, right-click-and-save-as, por favor!)

There are a few images I’d like to highlight here as well (all graphics courtesy of Bea & Leah Koch, The Ripped Bodice Bookstore):

For every 100 books published by the leading romance publishers in 2016, only 7.8 were written by people of color

In 2016, for every 100 books published by the leading romance publishers, only 7.8 were written by people of color. 

Line graph showing Kensington with nearly 20 percent Forever at 17 or so, Crimson above 10 percent, and the rest below 10 percent of titles. captions read 50 percent of publishers surveyed had fewer than 5 percent of their books written by people of color and out of 20 publishers surveyed only 3 had at least 10 percent of their books written by people of color

And here is the individual publisher data:

Percentage of books published in 2016 written by PoC Avon 2.8 percent Bella 6.6 percent Berkley 3.9 percent Bold Strokes 7 percent Carina Press 5.4 percent Crimson 12.2 percent Dreamspinner 5.8 percent Entangled 8.9 percent Forever and Forever Yours 17.5 percent Gallery including Pocket 5.5 percent Harlequin Series 8.3 percent HQN 0 percent Kensington 19.8 percent Mira 4.4 percent Montlake 1.9 percent Random House 1.8 percent Riptide 1.4 percent St Martins 6.3 percent Sourcebooks 2.9 percent Tule 0 percent

In a word…wow.

As the oft-quoted and nebulously-sourced business maxim goes, “What gets measured gets managed.” And as Leah said, we can’t fully address the problem without hard data, and those are some hard numbers.

I’m personally also deeply impressed with the effort and work that went into this report, since running a business is time-consuming enough without taking on research of this magnitude.

Bea and Leah are going to compile this report annually, and I personally (and very very selfishly!) hope that it can expand to include other marginalized groups, especially LGBTQIA+ and religious and cultural minorities – though I fully realize that it’s easier for me to type those words than it is to compile that data and crunch those numbers.

I am not the only person who has said that the genre needs to better represent the people who read and write it – and to see that expressed in numbers and percentages is chilling but also inspiring for me.

Amanda: First, I just want to say that I am so glad that Leah and Bea are part of the romance community. Though I live on the east coast, I’m always envious of the safe and welcoming space they’ve cultivated at The Ripped Bodice.

Sarah: YES. Me, too.

Amanda: What strikes me most is that they didn’t have to put together this report, but they did. And like Sarah, I hope that it grows to include other marginalized communities. But when it comes to changing the white, cishet, Christian landscape, we need to come at it from all fronts: reviewers, bloggers, publishers, booksellers. Failing in one area will just reinforce the misguided notion that diverse romances don’t sell.

While I’m not surprised at the stats, giving numbers to this problem is a fantastic way to fully see the disparity in representation in the real world vs. on the page. The world is not just 8% people of color, so why is our romance?

Keep up the great work, ladies! I’m eager to see how the stats compare in the coming years and if any trends emerge.

Sarah: I agree – every day and every year is an opportunity to do better.

So what do you think? Did you read the report? What’s your take? 

YA Urban Fantasy, Historical Romance, & More!

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AppSumo deal on 100 credits for DepositPhoto for only $49 is still going!

Sarah: This is my favorite of the AppSumo deals.

I bought this about two years ago and I still haven’t used all the credits. The credits do not expire, and the DepositPhoto collection includes vector images and stock photos, too. Most of the images on the site that aren’t custom designed begin with DepositPhoto options. Seriously, 100 credits will last you a very long time.

Mann Cakes

Mann Cakes by Mysti Parker is 99c at Amazon! Come on, with a title like that, you know I had to include this in sales. The heroes are two brothers who open up a rival cupcake shop in their small hometown. Readers really enjoyed the premise and thought it was cute and fun, but some felt they never really connected with the characters.

Love makes men do desperate things, if desperate things means opening a rival cupcake shop to drive your ex-girlfriend crazy.

Twin brothers and Air Force vets, Tanner and Garrett Mann, return from deployment to find their thriving business burned to the ground. Time for Plan B: Move back to their hometown of Beach Pointe to start over.

But that means running into Paige and Morgan Baxter –gorgeous, curvy, and owners of Two Sisters Cupcakes.

There’s an old diner for sale across town, Garrett’s a great cook, and Tanner has an idea. They’ll make savory cupcakes that men would like. We’re talking bacon and Cheez Whiz. Even better? They’ll call it Mann Cakes. Problem is, they end up attracting an unexpected crowd.

Paige is furious. Every man in her life has left her behind, including Tanner. She’s sacrificed everything for her shop. She won’t lose it over some egotistical ex-boyfriend, even if he does have an Air Force-chiseled body. Her younger sister, Morgan, isn’t helping matters. She’s been gaga over Garrett since high school.

To hell with that. If it’s a fight Tanner wants, it’s a fight he’ll get. But how much is Paige willing to risk to win a cupcake war?

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Sins of a Wicked Duke

Sins of a Wicked Duke by Sophie Jordan is $2.49! This is the first book in The Penwich School for Virtuous Girls series and features a heroine who disguises herself as a footman. Both the hero and heroine had difficult upbringings, which adds an element of angst to the romance, and the book features a tall heroine!

She works to live . . .

One would think the last place a beauty like Fallon O’Rourke could keep her virtue was in the Mayfair mansion of London’s most licentious duke, the notorious Dominic Hale. Yet Fallon—who’s endured nothing but lecherous advances since her father’s tragic death—is perfectly safe there . . . disguised as a footman! Beneath the notice of the dark-haired devil with his smoldering blue eyes and sinful smile, Fallon never imagines her secret will be discovered. But how long can her deception last when she begins to wish she is one of the many women traipsing in and out of the sinful rogue’s bedchamber?

He lives to sin . . .

Most men envy the duke, never suspecting his pleasure-loving ways are a desperate attempt to escape, however briefly, the pain of a past that’s left him with a heart of stone. Only one woman can break down his defenses. Only one woman can win his love . . . if she reveals her secret and succumbs to the sins of the wicked duke.

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Damaged Like Us

Damaged Like Us by Krista & Becca Ritchie is $1.60 at Amazon! This book was recently recommended on our Instagram podcast with Ryanne of Berkley Romance. It’s a gay romance between a young billionaire and his bodyguard. So what I’m trying to say is that there’s a whole lot of catnip.

Don’t date your bodyguard. 
It was the one rule he had to break.

Maximoff Hale is a force of nature. A ship unwilling to be steered. Headstrong, resilient, and wholly responsible — the twenty-two-year-old alpha billionaire can handle his unconventional life. By noon, lunch can turn into a mob of screaming fans. By two, his face is all over the internet.

Born into one of the most famous families in the country, his celebrity status began at birth.

He is certified American royalty.

When he’s assigned a new 24/7 bodyguard, he comes face-to-face with the worst case scenario: being attached to the tattooed, MMA-trained, Yale graduate who’s known for “going rogue” in the security team — and who fills 1/3 of Maximoff’s sexual fantasies.

Twenty-seven-year-old Farrow Keene has one job: protect Maximoff Hale. Flirting, dating, and hot sex falls far, far out of the boundary of his bodyguard duties and into “termination” territory. But when feelings surface, protecting the sexy-as-sin, stubborn celebrity becomes increasingly complicated.

Together, boundaries blur, and being exposed could mean catastrophic consequences for both.

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Paranormalcy

Paranormalcy by Kiersten White is $2.99! This is a YA urban fantasy novel that gives me “Veronica Mars if it had supernatural elements” vibes and has been on my TBR pile for ages. Readers recommend this for any and all Buffy fans, but some felt the heroine bordered on a Mary Sue. Have you read this one?

Evie’s always thought of herself as a normal teenager, even though she works for the International Paranormal Containment Agency, her ex-boyfriend is a faerie, she’s falling for a shape-shifter, and she’s the only person who can see through paranormals’ glamours.

But Evie’s about to realize that she may very well be at the center of a dark faerie prophecy promising destruction to all paranormal creatures.

So much for normal.

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267. Recommendation Requests with Sarah and Amanda, Part the First!

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It’s RecReq time! I asked the podcast Patreon community what types of books they’re looking for more of, and what they’d like to read next. Now, Amanda and I answer many of your book recommendation requests!

So we start with reader requests for romances with beta heroes, friends to lovers, intelligent heroines, virginal characters, mystery romances and heroines in disguise. Along the way we talk about post-therapy food indulgences and both of our Very Large Cats who assisted during this episode.

This is a three-part conversation, so come back next week for even more fun and amazement at Amanda’s excellent memory.

Listen to the podcast →

Here are the books we discuss in this podcast:

We also discussed The Rec League: Noir and Murder Mystery Romances from earlier this year.

If you like the podcast, you can subscribe to our feed, or find us at iTunes. You can also find us on Stitcher, too. We also have a cool page for the podcast on iTunes.

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What did you think of today's episode? Got ideas? Suggestions? You can talk to us on the blog entries for the podcast or talk to us on Facebook if that's where you hang out online. You can email us at sbjpodcast@gmail.com or you can call and leave us a message at our Google voice number: 201-371-3272. Please don't forget to give us a name and where you're calling from so we can work your message into an upcoming podcast.

Thanks for listening!

This Episode's Music

Aurora - Michael McGoldrick Our music in each episode is provided by Sassy Outwater.

This is a song called “Mackerel & Tatties” by Michael McGoldrick from his album, Aurora.

You can find the album at Amazon or at iTunes.


Podcast Sponsor

organization Academy lighthouse logoThis episode is brought to you by Organization Academy.

Organization Academy is the home of my online courses about using Google Calendar to declutter your schedule and organize your life. You might remember the series I did on how I use Google Calendar to automate and manage every aspect of my day, including home, family, business, other business, freelance writing, podcasting, meal planning, and more.

I am about to launch my first online course, Menu Planning Mastery. It’s all about saving time, energy, and money by harnessing the power of Google Calendar to manage your meal planning. I am so excited to share this course! I’ve been developing it over the past year, and I’ve taught this method to a number of people. Each of them has been delighted by how much time they’ve saved, and how much stress they’ve eliminated from their day.

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Outlander 3.04: Of Lost Things

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outlander season 3 with claire and jamie on either sides of a stoneThe title card is a man (it’s Jamie) carving a wooden snake.

In Scotland, 1968, Roger has created a timeline murder board to try and find Jamie in the past – the plan is to establish that Jamie was alive 20 years after Culloden – that way Claire can go back and find him. Bree has been going through prison records, and found a bunch of prisons Jamie was NOT in. Fiona, the granddaughter of Mrs Graham, is there, keeping our intrepid history hunters fed and tea-ed, when Claire finds him in the records from Ardmuir. Roger sees that Ardsmuir was closed in 1756, so it’s time for a whiskey.

At Helwater, the family returns to a line-up of servants – Lord and Lady Dunsany, and their daughter, Geneva and Isobel. Lord Dunsany says that he needs a word with the new groom, who is Jamie going by the name Alex Mackenzie. Dunsany knows that Jamie was a Jacobite soldier in the Rising, and Dunsany lost his son at Prestonpans, but Dunsany also feels that the war is over, so as far is he’s concerned, it’s water under the bridge. But Lady Dunsany doesn’t feel the same way, and Jamie’s like yeah, losing a child is horrible “I’ve lost two children myself.” Dunsany will tell his wife that Jamie is just a groom, nothing more and Jamie will get a small stipend. “But you are a prisoner, Mackenzie. Mind you don’t forget it.”

Back in 1968, Roger is fussing with the engine of his car while Bree teases him about Fiona and her crush. Roger eventually stammers out that he doesn’t HAVE a girlfriend, and then Bree fixes the car and puts him out of his misery.

Bree and Roger, flirting over a car engine.

1756, and the grooms draw straws to see who gets the honor of going out with Lady Geneva on her afternoon ride. She’s kind of a spoiled pain in the ass. Jamie mutters that she needs a boot in the ass, and Isobel asks if it’s the horse or her sister – she knows what kind of person Geneva is. Isobel mostly wanted to ask about Lord John Grey. She’s known him since they were kids, and she thinks he’ll make a fine husband. Jamie’s like, uh…. Maybe. “The major’s…. passion… lies in soldiering.”

Roger gets a phone call. It’s Joe Abernathy for Claire. Mostly he’s trying to figure out when she’s coming back. “Soon.” “What month is ‘soon’ in?” He’s also operating on one of her patients, and she’s like, you can handle it. Let me know how it goes.

Geneva is engaged! To a man the age of her aged father! She looks positively murderous, and the old Lord Ellesmere has taken a liking her disposition! Isobel looks less than thrilled, as well. Ellesmere notes Jamie cleaning hooves of his horse, and says “My god, if a child of mine had hair that color, I’d drown it before it drew a second breath.” Then he slimes over Geneva’s hand, reminds her that it’s a fortnight before she’s his, and takes off. Geneva eyes Jamie with speculation, and when next she takes a ride, she chooses Jamie as her escort, instead of whoever drew the short straw.

She demands that Jamie give his opinion of her marriage, and he’s not that dumb. He tries to get her to turn back, and she’s like, you have to do what I say, and rides off at a gallop. He hears her scream, and finds her in a heap on the road, and when he goes to pick her up, she laughs. It was a prank, so he drops her in a mud puddle. She thinks this is HILARIOUS.

Jamie dumps Geneva into a mud puddle.

John Grey is coming by to check on Jamie as promised, and they play chess (because after all, there’s no one suitable to play chess with). At this point, the ladies come by with Grey’s older brother, Lord Melton (Hal, to family). He is not thrilled at seeing the man he had to sneak out of Culloden because of his baby brother’s oath just hanging around. Everyone is having a different conversation, and it’s very awkward.Geneva, who is spoiled rotten, is observant, and sees that there’s something up with Hal and Jamie and John.

Another day, Geneva pops down to the stables, and asks Jamie what he’s doing. “Shoveling shit, my lady.” She then propositions him. She doesn’t want to give her virginity to a depraved old goat. She wants her first time to be with Jamie. And if he doesn’t, she’ll tell her mother who he is, and she knows that he’d run to Lallybroch. She got Hal drunk enough to tell her what was up with him. He calls her a “filthy wee bitch” and she grins. Jamie feels like he’s been backed into a corner, and the only way out is through her bed.

The Fug Girls described this scene as I may have gotten in over my head and also THIS IS THE BEST IDEA I EVER HAD

That night, he sneaks into her room, and they do the do (she has a lovely white frilled dressing gown). We do get more shirtless Jamie, but there’s nothing romantic about this interaction. He does tell her that the first time can be “vexing” and she asks to be shown how it’s done. He does, and after, she admits she liked it, and tells him that she loves him. “It’s not love, my lady. It’s just the feelings I’ve roused in your body.” She asks what the difference is. He tells her that she could have these feelings for any other man, but when you give your heart and soul, and they give theirs in return… that’s love.

Later… some seven or eight months later… Geneva and Ellesmere come to visit Dunsany. She’s pregnant. Seven or eight months. Jamie makes the “I can do math” face.

In 1968, Fiona drops in on Claire. She has Claire’s wedding pearls. Claire had left them with Fiona’s grandmother, who left them to Fi, and Fi decided they really ought to go back to Claire. Claire wanders back into the study, where Bree tells her that they’ve found out that Edinburgh has the biggest collection of ship manifests in the country, so they can take the train down the next day. Claire’s unenthusiastic, and Bree asks, “Mama, are you alright?” Which is the first time she’s called Claire “Mama” in some time.

Later that night, Bree and Roger sit in front of the fire, and Bree worries that she’s a terrible person. She and Claire’s relationship has improved a lot since she found out about Jamie, but all the work they’re doing is so Claire can go back, and if she does, what if she can’t come home? Roger thinks that just means Bree is a daughter who worries about her mother, and he’s had similar thoughts, and when they find him, then she’ll go back to Boston. Bree plants one on him, and he’s like “well that escalated quickly.”

Bree kisses Roger impetuously

In Helwater, Isobel runs to the stable to tell Jamie to get the carriage ready. Geneva is in labor, but things are going badly, so everyone needs to hurry the fuck up. At Ellesmere, which is really too big for reasonableness, Geneva is still bleeding, but the baby is a “fine healthy boy.” Later, Jamie finds Isobel, crying. Geneva died. Isobel slaps Jamie and tells him that Ellesmere knew the baby wasn’t his, and that Geneva told her that she banged Jamie and and and basically everything is a mess. Before Jamie can say anything, a maid tells him to get his ass downstairs. Lord Ellesmere has lost his shit.

Ellesmere complains that he was promised virgin but got a whore, and he’s holding the baby with a knife while Ellesmere and Dunsany fight over the purity of Geneva. Dunsany draws a pistol, and Jamie tries to get everyone to put down their weapons. The Dunsanys ask to take the baby, and Ellesmere can mourn in peace or whatever, and he’s like nah, I’ll kill the kid first. So Jamie shoots him. The baby is fine, and Ellesmere is dead, and Jamie has a son.

Wee baby Willie, eyes opening just a bit

Later, back at Helwater, Isobel pushes the baby in a pram, and she tells Jamie that they named the baby William. “I call him Willie” which was Jamie’s older brother’s name. Isobel also apologizes for the whole slapping thing. “It wasn’t your fault. My sister was a difficult woman, and you were kind to her.” She leaves the baby with Jamie when her mother comes by. Jamie takes the minute to tell baby Willie that he’s a fine, braw laddie, but so wee! “Dinna fash yourself. I am here.”

Lady Dunsany takes her turn. The coroner’s court rules Ellesmere’s death as a “misadventure.” And the Dunsanys are very grateful to Jamie. She also knows who Jamie is – not specifics, but that Jamie was one of Grey’s prisoners. She offers Jamie his freedom. Her husband could arrange it. Jamie is grateful, but declines. Times are still hard in Scotland, and he’s been able to send money back, and he’d like to keep doing that. She nods, and says that when he ready to leave, he needs only to ask.

It’s 1764, and Willie is learning to ride on a pony under Jamie’s watchful eye when Lady Dunsany comes by with a friend. They remark on how handsome a child Willie is, and then Lady Dunsany says “We sometimes joke that Willie spends so much time with Mackenzie, that he’s beginning to look like Mackenzie!” and then she realizes what she just said and what that very well might mean.

In the stable, Willie helps Jamie wipe down the carriage, and Jamie looks at his reflection in the window and at Willie. It’s becoming obvious.

Jamie and Willie walking near the stables.

In Edinburgh, Roger and Bree and Claire sit down with ledges of ship manifests but they’re from the 1600s, and the archives don’t have any others. Claire slams a book on the table. There’s only one thing to do: go to a pub. There’s a woman reciting poetry by Robbie Burns (“bard knew how to turn a phrase”) but the men at the pub at glaring at Claire and Bree for daring to sit at the bar. Roger says they can go to the lounge, but Claire’s like fuck that and your toxic masculinity. Roger is ready to go to every port of call, and Bree is sure that they’ll find him. The poem ends with “Whiskey and freedom gang together” and Claire is reminded that Mrs. Graham warned her about chasing a ghost. She offers a toast: “To all of those we have lost.” And it’s time to go home.

Jamie is also ready to go home. Willie wants to go with him, and Jamie’s like, no, you have to stay here. Willie stamps his little feet at says that he is the master, and Jamie has to do what he says. Jamie, at the end of his rope, snaps that “no” is a word Willie hasn’t heard much, but it’s time to learn it. Willie throws a tiny tantrum, and says he hates Jamie, and Jamie says “I’m not all that fond of you right now, you wee bastard!” Willie, who’s clearly heard the word “bastard” before, insists that he ISN’T a bastard, and Jamie needs to take it back. Jamie does, and Willie hugs him, in the way children have with the the adults they truly adore. Jamie mutters in Gaelic, a blessing maybe. (Translated: “Don’t cry my lad, It’s going to be alright.”)

Isobel and John are hanging about, and Isobel goes inside to set up tea. John pauses to talk to Jamie. John knows that Jamie is leaving, and tells him the timing is right. “Some sires stamp the get,” and Willie will figure it out himself if Jamie is still around. Jamie asks John to go for a walk. He wants John to keep an eye on the kid, be a parental figure. And Jamie offers to…. If John wants. John’s face is PRICELESS, and basically is like DUDE. I would LOVE to bang you, but, not like this. Jesus. Also John is going to married. “To a woman?” Yes, to Isobel. He tried being with a woman in London, and it worked out fine, so… he’s gonna, and they’ve known each other since they were children (and she adores him) and marriage isn’t just based on banging. And he’ll be in an official position to look after Willie.

John, with a whole bunch of emotions crashing into themselves on his face, finally expressing it all with Dear God.

Jamie offers his hand, and tells John that he shall always have his friendship. “If it has value to you.” A great value, John says.

That night, Willie sneaks to Jamie’s room. Jamie has been praying to St. Anthony, the patron saint of last things. Willie says that his grandmama says “…only stinking papists burn candles in front of heathen images.” Jamie tells him that he IS a stinking papist, and he prays for the ones he’s lost. His brother, Jenny, Murtagh, and his wife. Jamie offers Willie some life advice, even though Willie is like, I do not want a wife. One day, Jamie tells him, you’ll find the right woman. “Or she will find you.”

Willie also wants to be a stinking papist, so Jamie baptizes him William James. “My other names are William Henry Clarence George Ransom.” You get a special papist name, and Willie’s like, YAS I AM A STINKING PAPIST. Jamie also carved him a wooden snake, like the one his brother made him, with Willie’s name on the bottom. Willie worries that he hasn’t got anything to give Jamie, to remember him by, and Jamie’s like, don’t worry kid. I’ll remember you.

A cover of Bob Dylan’s “A Hard Rain A-gonna Fall” by Walk Off the Earth begins to play. Claire take down the timeline murder board. Jamie says goodbye to Willie, Isobel, and John. Isobel hugs him, and assures him that they’ll take good care of “Your son.” Willie is angry-sad, and John is just sad.

A devastated and gasping Jamie, riding away from John, Isobel, and a very angry Willie. He doesn't look back.

Bree walks through the hall with her suitcases. Willie takes off after Jamie screaming for him to come back. Roger absently fidgets with his old model airplane, and Claire and Bree are on a real airplane. Jamie rides away without a backward look, while Willie, being firmly held back from running after him by John, has the look of a child who will never forgive this. Ever.

“Where have you been, my blue eyed son….”

Elyse: I have to admit that while Claire’s enormous hair is growing on me, her eyeshadow remains horrible. Also while they try to make Claire look as though she’s aging, Jamie stays exactly the same.

RHG: Not true! HE HAS BANGS.

Elyse: Right. Bangs.

They did a good job casting Geneva to look vaguely like Claire.

Also, STARZ is allowed to air nipple licking? Huh.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole “Jamie got another woman pregnant” storyline. Or him shooting a guy holding a baby. Also is this kid going to be Roger’s ancestor? Is this going to a weird place?

Isobel’s mourning clothes are amazing, though.

I’m pretty lukewarm on Bree right now, but I have to say that Roger is adorable and charming and I have a crush on him.

RHG: Bree continues to be a difficult character. She was difficult for Gabaldon to write, and it shows. It really, really, shows here, and while I think Sophie Skelton’s accent is better, it still doesn’t sound natural to me.

Okay, yes, the kid playing Willie, Clark Butler, doesn’t look like Sam at all, but he’s got a presence about him, so I think it worked. And he was great. Poor kid. It’s for the best, really, but there’s no way to explain all of the complexities of the situation.

I’m feeling rather conflicted about the sexual politics of Jamie and Geneva’s encounter. There was coercion, right? At the same time, he was kind (and there was a change they made from the book that made Jamie look like an asshole that I’m really glad about) and made sure at least that she had a good experience. How do you all feel about it?

Also I am delighted with our Lord John and I would fully support a Lord John Mysteries spinoff.  Fully. Support.

Next week: Looks like Claire is gonna have to improvise a time travelling costume.  Also, Elyse will be doing the recaps for the next two weeks.

Reminder: NO BOOK SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS. Many people, including Elyse, have not read Voyager or further books.

Poldark 3.01

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Poldark Season 3 posterWe’re back! We’re offset from the British airdate! For no good reason! And PBS aired the premiere as a double episode!

Note: the recaps this season are written from the British airings, which often have 6-10 minutes that the US airings do not. If you’re reading this and going “Hey, I don’t remember that!” that’s probably why.

Previously on Poldark: A whole bunch of things, but the most important to remember is that Ross and Elizabeth had sex (which may or may not have been totally consenting, depending on your interpretation), and Elizabeth ended last season realizing that she might she is pregnant, and she’s not certain who the father is.

Elizabeth, in a very smart riding habit, gallops along the cliff edge. She is not in control of her horse, and she’s heading for a precipice into the sea. Ross sees her, and rides hard on Seamus to intercept. Elizabeth’s horse stopped before running off the cliff edge, but is rearing and thrashing while Elizabeth maintains her seat but not much more. Ross manages to get her horse to calm the fuck down, and Elizabeth tells him that she’s not hurt and to PLEASE GO AWAY. Ross protests that she was in difficulty, and he was only trying to you know, keep her from being tossed and DYING, “What am I supposed to do, just abandon you?” “BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE UNHEARD OF.”

Jesus christ, you two. I’m already tired.

George rides up, asking what happened- one minute she was behind him, the next… Elizabeth tells him the horse spooked, and Ross happened to be close by so he helped. George snits that his wife and unborn child do not need Ross’ assistance now, or ever. Ross sighs and asks if George really must turn everything into a battle. “Lay hand on anything or anyone belonging to me again and you will find the battle has barely begun.” Gross.

Ross leaves them at the edge of the cliff, and the credits are back!

At Nampara, Demelza and Ross are hard at work: he is re-thatching the roof on the barn, and D asks him how Elizabeth looked. Ross mutters something noncommittal, and D’s like, hey, wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t wake up before dawn EVERY MORNING? Ross: you married the wrong dude for that. D: I AM AWARE, but why? It’s like you’re trying to keep from thinking. “Whereas you, my love, think too much.”

At Trenwith, George is berating Elizabeth for riding when she’s a month from giving birth, and doing things like lifting things or walking places. Elizabeth asks if he would rather she not join him in Truro that afternoon, and George is like nothing would make me happier than if you were there “at the grand opening” but we must think about the Warleggan heir! At this point, Geoffy-Chuck, who is a well grown child at this point, runs in says that he heard that Elizabeth’s horse ran away “And that Uncle Ross saved you!” George asks who is spreading such tales.

Geoffy-Chuck says that they must thank Ross for her services and invite him “and Aunt Demelza” to dinner. (“Excellent thought!” pipes up Aunt Aggie, still there to darken George’s day). Elizabeth delicately says that they no longer spend time with the family at Trenwith. “Why should that be?” asks Geoffy-Chuck, “They are Poldarks and we are P-” “WARLEGGANS.” snaps George. Geoffy-Chuck barely manage to not roll his eyes. “I’ve been thinking, boy, that it is time for you to take my name.” Aggie is aghast, and George is like, this is a Warleggan house, now. Geoffy-Chuck, in a display of more spirit than either of his parents have ever shown, says that sure, he’ll change his name. (“Good boy”) “…to Geoffrey-Charles FRANCIS Poldark.”

I like this kid.

Caroline Penvenen is sitting with her uncle Ray on his death bed, and tries to give him some soup. He tells her no, Enys told him that he could only prolong his life, not save it (as I recall he’s got advanced diabetes?). Caro is like, Enys could be wrong though, and Ray reminds us that Enys is at sea, so…. I don’t know what that proves. Ray just wants one thing to make him happy: Caro to be happily married off and cared for by a husband of wealth and consequence. Caro tells him that she cannot consider it, since Ray is her only concern.

Back at Nampara, Ross gets a letter. “FINALLY.” Something he’s been laboring to bring about for months is coming to fruition. D reads the letter and grins, and Ross must leave immediately.

Out on the road, a young man is walking along and singing.

D is trying Ross’ cravat, and asking how ‘it” will be managed. “With care and the utmost secrecy.” D can hardly believe the day has arrived, and Ross reminds her that it isn’t over, and something could go wrong. Ross rides out and passes the singing young man, and arrives at the Penvenen estate. Caro runs into the hall and asks, “Well?” Ross smiles. “Tomorrow.” Caro grins and if she weren’t a British gentlewoman, she would have run and hugged him.

At Nampara, D is hoeing the garden while Prudie (HI PRUDIE) watches. Prudie notes that the singing young man is now at the gate, and D turns and looks, and grins and rushes to embrace him. It’s her brother, Drake! “How did thee escape Father’s clutches?” “Nay, tis he did send me.” Their father is dying, and D has been requested to attend at the deathbed.

At Trenwith, Cary Warleggan (George’s uncle, previously referred to in these recaps as “Trump Warleggan” and now he is not because it’s not funny anymore) asks if “the broodmare is back in her stall.” Me: Gross. George: Elizabeth is way more than a mare. Cary: The fact the you see your wife as more than a magic uterus is weird. Also Cary thinks “the Poldark brat” is annoying, so send him to boarding school. George agrees, but thinks it would be better to make this happen in small stages and he’s got a plan. But first they must go one with the next step in their plan to become the only bank in Cornwall.

Ross gallops back to Nampara, and finds Drake in the kitchen with D and Prudie. Drake tells him why D has been summoned home. Ross asks if she’ll go, and D doesn’t know. He wasn’t much of a father “All he gave me was bruises.” Drake makes a half smile and agrees with that assessment. D thinks she must decline, and Drake’s like, yeah, I thought that would be your answer. D tells him that, “It is not for lack of love for thee.” Drake knows.

In the drawing room at Trenwith, Elizabeth is poking her belly and pacing, while Aggie makes morose predictions. “He’s coming, and sooner than we think.”
In Truro, Ross comes around the corner where there’s a big party happening in the street, decked out in Warleggan purple, and a morose Geoffy-Chuck. G-C sees him, and yells, “UNCLE ROSS!” and is quickly ushered inside by George. Cary asks Ross if he’d like to convey his respects to “young master Warleggan.” Ross: sure, okay.

Ross is meeting with Pascoe, his banker, and grumbles about how George likes to flaunt his ownership over all of the Trenwith Poldarks. Pascoe also notes that the Warleggans are looking to put him out of business- the war with France has been good to the Warleggans, and other young men go off to fight while George sits on his ass and grows rich. For a change, Ross has a healthy bank account, a prosperous mine, and he promised D that his fighting days were done (even though he looks RULL HOT in the uniform).

Drake is preparing to hike back home, and he tells D that he is honestly happy that she has such a nice life. D agrees that she is blessed. “Tell Father that I’ll pray for him.” Drake leaves, and D is having a lot of very complicated feelings.

Morwenna, smelling flowers, She has big dark eyes and dark hair, and looks very sweet and kind.

In Truro, a young woman with dark hair is smelling flowers, and her mother summons her. “Morwenna!” She and her mother sit down in George’s gold plated office, and Morwenna asks if they will be asking for money. Of course, not, her mother tells her. That would be vulgar, and just because Morwenna’s father left them destitute, basically, they will not be VULGAR. They are Chynoweths, cousins to Elizabeth. George notes that they are relations, and he’s worried about Geoffy-Chuck: with the arrival of a sibling, he won’t get the attention he’s used to. But he’s been talking with Mrs. Chynoweth, and he “…may have a solution.”

At Trenwith, Geoffy-Chuck is recounting how boring the bank opening was. George’s carriage comes through the gates, with Morwenna next to him. Elizabeth is confused. Morwenna sees Elizabeth, and offers a smile, and Elizabeth is just, what the fuck is happening.

“A governess? Why… what…. Forgive me cousin, this is no reflection on you, but why would we need a governess, we didn’t even discuss this!” George: “My dear, you must see what I’m thinking.” Aggie: “UGH WE DO.” “Do you want him to feel neglected in this, the final year before he goes away to school.” Hold up hold up, “I thought we agree he would not go away! I would miss him too much and he would miss me!” Poor Morwenna looks like she wants to die right now. George VERY REASONABLY explains that Morwenna is a reasonable girl and Geoffy-Chuck needs to be less dependent on Elizabeth and this would take the burden off of E! “My son is not a burden! And how can I applaud an arrangement in which I am no longer the influence in my child’s life?” George: in a month you’ll have our child to care for! So… you’ll be too busy for Geoffy-Chuck anyways.

Ross rides back home – he’s got supplies for the feast the next day, and he tells D that he saw George and Geoffy-Chuck in town, and Prudie tells Ross that there’s been a note from the mine. He’s got a visitor.

It’s Geoffy-Chuck! He came on his own! “You escaped your jailors.” “Seeing you reminds me of Papa, and I thought why not come to see his mine.” Geoffy-Chuck says that Francis told him that mining is in his blood. “Your father must have told you that mining is hard.” says Zacky. It’s an uncertain business. “This seems real enough” says Geoffy-Chuck, holding up some ore. He’d like to go find some for himself.

Down in the mine, miners mine. Geoffy-Chuck is delighted, and Ross shows him a “nice quartz-y rock.” Geoffy-Chuck muses that he’s the last of the Trenwith Poldarks, and Ross laughs. “You forget Aunt Agatha!” “So do you! So she says.” Which, yes, she does say that. “I think of her often. And you.” Ross smiles.

After their day is over, Ross brings Geoffy-Chuck to the gates of Trenwith and drops him off. Inside, Elizabeth introduces him to Morwenna as his new governess and hopes that they will become good friends. “Of course you will!” proclaims George, and Geoffy-Chuck, who has got some brillaint timing, turns to Aggie, and tells her that Ross says hello, and that he misses her. George: When did you see Ross? Geoffy-Chuck: oh, I went to the mine. George: by who’s permission? Geoffy-Chuck: I need no permission to visit my own family. (Aggie: “Quite right!”) Morwenna is a bit amused George is angry, but not showing it, and Elizabeth audibly sighs.

D sorts flowers in Nampara, with little Jeremy “helping” off to the side. Prudie asks if it was nice to see her brother, and D is still sorting through her complicated feelings. “I need to be more like Ross. What he can’t abide to think on, it’s like it don’t exist.”

Late at night at Nampara, George is asleep, and Elizabeth is pacing a bit. She stops suddenly and grunts. What’s your plan, here, girl? You’re gonna just cross your legs and hold things in for an extra month?

In the morning, D is sitting up in her bed, fretting, and clearly has been most of the night. “Ross, am I a bad daughter?” “He was a bad father.” D muses that it’s a bond, between father and child. Ross asks if she can be back in time, and she thinks yes, if they leave now. On horseback (they are doing well enough that they can afford a horse for D!) Ross tells her that if she’s late, they can’t delay. D understands, and can hardly believe “it” is going to happen at all. They separate.

Caroline, in a lovely silver reddingcote, is telling her pug, Horace, that he must stay and guard Uncle Ray. Ray asks if she’s going somewhere, and she tells him that she’s for London, and she’s had a change of heart over the Lord he wants her to marry. He’s very happy to hear that, and she tells him that she’ll be there and back before he knows it.

D rides up to her father’s house, where her brothers (well, two of them) and her father’s wife are at Mr Carne’s bedside. “Sister be here, father. As ye did command.” D, with a lot of complicated feelings on her face, sits down, and her father tells her that the hour is upon him, and he wants her to “return to the light.” D says she knows her own way. Papa Carne tells Samuel and Drake that it’s their job to lead the fallen souls of Cornwall, and Samuel says they will do so. (I don’t remember which brand of fanatical Protestant the Carnes joined- Calvinism, maybe?) (Nope, they are Methodists.) Drake looks less enthused about the idea.

Samuel Carne.

Ross is waiting in a church, and George saunters in, saying he was told Ross was around. Ross is like, forreal, asshole, can’t I just live my life today? Did you buy all the churches, too? George notes that there’s a few places he hasn’t bought yet, like Wheal Grace (Ross’ mine). Ross smirks and says there’s a few thing he will never own, up to and including Geoffy-Chuck. “It would be a mistake to encourage his visits… he’s my stepson and heir, it would behoove him not to displease me.” Ross notes that Geoffy-Chuck’s very existence surely displeases George. George: I tolerate him. For the moment. (UGH GEORGE JUST DIE ALREADY) “I may soon have a son of my own, and then everything will change.”

Speaking of, Geoffy-Chuck walks with Morwenna, explaining how the Warleggan regime has changed Trenwith- fences and the like. Morwenna asks why, and G-C, an astute kid, says that George likes people to know what he owns. Morwenna: he’s been very kind to me. “Oh he’s kind. Until he gets what he wants.” Geoffy-Chuck has more awareness of the world than either of his parents ever did.

Casa Carne: the boys are singing, and D’s like, I have to GO, will he fucking DIE already. She kisses her father one last time and makes for the door. Drake says he can’t last much longer and D’s like, “I’m late.” She asks Drake what he’ll do now, and he tells her that Sam wishes to “get out and spread the word.” But what does Drake want? “Just to get out.” Oh, kid. D hugs him, and rides back to Truro, while at the same time, a fancy carriage goes to the chapel. D waits at the door, grinning (because no one is as happy for her friends’ happiness as Demelza Poldark) and out comes Caroline!

Caro, in her lovely silver reddingcote and big big hat.

They walk to the church, and waiting at the front is Ross…and Enys!

Ross and Enys turning at Caro's entrance. Enys gets a huge smile on his face.

And a priest. There are smiles all around, and Caro embraces Ennys, who can barely bring himself to touch her for a long minute, like he can barely believe she chose him. “Shall we begin?” the priest asks. “Dearly beloved…”

Caro has launched herself at Enys' and he's so overcome...

...he can't quite bring himself to touch her.

His hand hovers over her back for a few seconds before he tenderly touches her. It's perfect.

Geoffy-Chuck and Morwenna walk on the beach, and Morwenna asks if his Mama approves him walking so far. He scoffs at the idea, and morwenna is like, well I like fresh air and exercise, so… they seem to be getting on fine. They are near the church, and G-C points out Ross and Demelza, and he sees Ennys, as well. “He used to attend our family, before Uncle George came.” G-C gives Morwenna what he knows about the relationship changes between everyone, but he’s a kid and he doesn’t know the details of why no one is speaking to each other. “How sad! I wonder what could be the cause?”

Elizabeth stands at the top of the stairs, clearly in early labor, and she looks at the stairs, then a vase, picks up the vase, drops it down the stairs, and then cut to George who hears her cry out, and run to find her “unconscious” at the foot of the stairs, and he hollers for someone to help him drag her to bed (THAT’S NOT WHAT- nevermind) and for someone to go get Dr. Choake.

At Nampara, the wedding party offers toasts over a dinner. D gives Prudie her du e-since Jud went away, Prudie has had the time and energy to focus on her cooking. Enys asks Prudie if she misses her former wedded bliss. “Like a ruptured spleen.” Ennys says that if he and Caro are half as happy as Ross and D, they’ll be very fortunate. Prudie asks after Uncle Ray, and Caro says that he can’t last longer than a fortnight, and she won’t distress him by telling him that she’s married to someone he doesn’t like. Enys only had 24 hours leave, so he’ll be going back to his ship in the morning.

At Trenwith, Dr. Choate is off seeing another patient, and all the other options are either gone or subpar. Geoffy-Chuck offers Ennys, and George is like HE’S A QUACK and also not here. Elizabeth is in bed, in pain.

Ross rises from the table, saying that he and D have… chores… to attend to. Yes, chores. D shows Caro to the guest room, and Enys asks Ross if he likes Caro. “I once feared you did not.” Ross likes her well, now that he knows her better, even if she takes pains to disguise her goodness. Also he owes her everything, and Enys is like, no I owe YOU everything . I LOVE YOU MAN.

Geoffy-Chuck hands message to a rider and tells him to hurry.

Enys and Caro grin at each other in their room. “What a remarkable woman I’ve married.” “And I remarkable man.” Caro admits that she feels bad about lying to her uncle, but she is legit concerned that his heart would give out. Enys is sorry, but Caro isn’t sorry at all that she is now Mrs. Enys.

Enys, in his shirt sleeves, kissing Caro and telling her that he's married a remarkable woman.

Caro, smiling back and saying "And I a remarkable man."

Before the fire, Ross and D drink port. I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE DOING… CHORES… Ross muses that it’ll be hard for Enys to leave, and D asks if Ross envies him at all. He does miss clarity of purpose and living in the moment. D: “And something more? A life more simple? No shadow from the past which may come back to haunt him?” Ross says that everyone is shadowed, the trick is just outrunning them. “Or ignoring them.” Ross smiles a bit at that, and Prudie comes in, bearing the note from Trenwith from Geoffy-Chuck. “Has he pushed his stepfather down the stairs?” No, Geoffy-Chuck asks Enys to please come see Elizabeth.

Enys examines Elizabeth, and notes no damage from the fall, but the labor pains? They started right after the fall? “Yes, do you think they will go away?” Enys looks dubious, and tells George that he needs to prepare himself. “For what? Surely there’s no risk to the infant. Or Elizabeth?” No, but he’s gonna be a father sooner than expected. “Childbirth can be a precarious business. Particularly when the child is a month earlier than expected.”

Enys has taken a moment to send a note back to Nampara- Caro: but she’s a month early! D, staring hard at Ross: the fall must have brought on her labor. Ross, looking brooding and conflicted, pours more port. Caro: so much for my wedding night. D continues to glare at Ross.

Elizabeth thrashes as a contraction hits, and George, Aggie, Cary, and Geoffy-Chuck listen to her yells. Cary grumbles that George should have picked someone younger and more robust.

Caro asks D if Ross and Elizabeth perhaps find this very difficult? She apologizes for being impertinent, but Ross and Elizabeth loved each other once, right? And now Elizabeth is about to give birth to child of Ross’ worst enemy? D’s like yeah, that’s why we’re all so brittle.

Geroge continues to pace, and Cary tells him that if it comes to a choice, OBVIOUSLY the child takes priority. Enys comes down and tells them that Elizabeth is in a great deal of pain, when do they expect Dr. Choake? “GOD KNOWS! It’s been hours since he was summoned to Killewarren.” Killewarren, the Penvenen estate. Enys, what, why? Oh, Ray is taken a turn for the worse, just when his niece has gone off to London. Enys doesn’t intend to leave Elizabeth hanging, but needs a note sent to Nampara.

D finds Ross in his study, and Ross is like, “what bad luck for Enys, that Elizabeth would have an accident tonight!” D, oh, you think it’s an accident? Ross, who is BAD AT GUILE, is like, what else would it be? Before D can enlighten him, Prudie brings in another message- it’s Enys letting Caro know about Ray. Caro, immediately is like, yeah, gotta go home. Can Enys meet me there? D isn’t sure- Elizabeth is gravely ill and no one else can attend her at the moment. “How ill? Is she dying?” Asks Ross. D tells Ross to go with Caro, and as they leave, they note that the moon is going into eclipse.

Geoffy-Chuck and Aggie look out the window, and Aggie calls it a Black Moon, and that it bodes ill. Elizabeth is having a terrible time of it, and Enys is doing his best. Drake and Samuel are still at their bedside vigil, and Drake calls Sam to see the moon. “What is it?” “it’s the coming of the shadow of death.” (It’s interesting to note how uneducated people in the midst of the Enlightenment are viewing this phenomenon, and I’m not sure how much people like Ross or Caroline would know about what an eclipse is.)

Elizabeth is finally pushing.

D: “I never was the god-fearing kind… but if I were, I’d pray.” Prudie: for what? D: “Deliverance.”

Elizabeth finally gets the baby out, and stops moving and maybe breathing as Enys is getting the kid cleaned up.

Papa Carne finally breathes his last, and Samuel says that he will do as he was told, go out into the world and save souls. “Do ye join me, brother?” Drake crosses his arms and looks away.

Caro runs into Ray’s room- she’s not too late. “She tells him that she came back, there was nothing that couldn’t wait. “Will you stay with me now?”

Elizabeth isn’t dead, and neither is the baby- a boy. He’s strong, and “appears no worse for coming a month early.”

The moon is covered, save for a sliver of red, and Ross is full of thoughts, and he gallops off. Really, all this galloping around in the dead dark is bad for the horses.

George comes in, and Elizabeth looks wary and afraid. George tries to send Enys on his way, but Enys is too good a doctor for that – Elizabeth’s labor was difficult, and he will not leave (“Much as it inconveniences me”) until he’s sure she doesn’t need any more help. Elizabeth tells George that the baby favors him, and George is like “YES HE DOES.”

Ross skulks through the bushes and stares in the windows at Trenwith and sees the baby. “My I present my son and heir.” George tells the assembled Trenwithians. “So that’s what an 8-month brat looks like!” Aggie snarks. Cary snaps at her to hold her tongue, before he has her tossed on the midden. Morwenna asks what his name will be, and Aggie suggests some family names- Joshua, or Francis, or, you know, just throwing it out there, ROSS? No, George says the kid’s name will be Valentine.

Morwenna asks to take Geoffy-Chuck up to see Elizabeth. George asks if he can’t wait until morning, and Geoffy-Chuck is like, no I cannot. After he leaves, Cary tells George to chastise him for his insolence, and show him “who is master here.” Aggie snipes back, and George calls in for the big burly footmen, and tells them to take Miss Poldark’s chair to her chamber- and Miss Poldark with it. They look perplexed, but know who pays the bill around here, and it ain’t Aggie. They pick her up, and she demand they they put her down “STAY YOU VERMIN, I WOULD SPEAK.”, and they do.

“That child of yours… cursed, born under a Black moon. No good shall come to he.” She makes a gesture at him, and the footmen carry her away. George looks out the window at the moon, which is now completely blood red.

Aggie, using the horned hand gesture to curse George.

The next morning, the waves are crashing angrily, and Ross is walking on the beach, until he starts running. You can’t outrun this shadow, Ross.

Ray is still hanging on but has some things to say. He never married, but he was happy to be privileged to be Caro’s guardian. She tells him to save his strength, but for what? He wasn’t ever married, so he doesn’t know what makes women happy, but he feels bad he prevented Caro from being happy with Enys. “Can you forgive me?” “Uncle Ray, what if I told you there was nothing to forgive?” she lets him see her wedding ring, and he smiles, “My dear girl! My dear dear girl!” and as last words go, that’s pretty good. Caro sobs.

Enys rides to Falmouth and his ship.

Ross rides back to Nampara, where D is outside, pumping water. She knows Elizabeth and the baby have survived, and the look on her face is similar to the look when Ross came back from his night with Elizabeth. Ross is pretty wrecked, but says he must speak with George. “Why?” “There is a conversation which can no longer be avoided.”

Geoffy-Chuck and Morwenna walk along the clifftop, and Geoffy-Chuck is grumpy that little Valentine (Seriously, George?) doesn’t look like Geoffy-Chuck at all. Well, kid, when you were his age you were a loaf of bread, so… Morwenna points out that he’s Geoffy-Chuck’s half brother, and may be more Warleggan than Chynoweth. Geoffy-Chuck takes her hand – this poor kid has had so little affection in his life, save from Elizabeth. “Now that he’s here, you must be prepared for change.” Elizabeth won’t have undivided attention for Geoffy-Chuck now… but “Where are we?” They’ve crossed into Nampara’s lands. Morwenna says that George said not to go on Nampara’s lands, but Geoffy-Chuck don’t care. “Let’s go further!”

He runs off, and Morwenna follows.

In Truro, Ross walks into the Warleggan bank. George is smirking. “Are you here to congratulate me?” “Fatherhood changes everything.” George pours a drink, and asks why Ross is really there. “To make a bargain with you.” Ross offers to get completely out of George’s life- and here’s the terms. George has things Ross holds dear-the mine, the home, Aggie, and Geoffy-Chuck. (“is that all?”) And if George takes care with them, and doesn’t use them to try to harm Ross, Ross will take care not to cross paths with George. George doesn’t answer, and Ross leaves.

The Brothers Carne are walking- Drake asks “will ‘ee ask her, or shall I?” Samuel puts his nose in the air and says that the good lord will guide him. Okay. Drake: did the good lord decree that we meet the souls up yonder? It’s Morwenna and Geoffy-Chuck, and Samuel is like we’re the fishers of men! It’s our first catch!

Drake asks Morwenna and Geoffy-Chuck if this is the way to Nampara (Samuel: we know it’s the way. IDIOT. Drake: OH MY GOD shutup) Morwenna says that she’s a stranger, but Geoffy-Chuck knows what’s up, and gives them directions. Drake asks if Morwenna is staying around these parts, and G-C is like “MORWENNA IS STAYING she’s the best.” And Drake’s heart goes boom. “Tis a lilting, musical name.” He hopes they meet again, and both of them go in opposite directions but look back at each other and smile.

Morwenna, following Geoffy-Chuck down the path and looking back at this intriguing boy.

Drake, looking back at Morwenna, grinning to himself.

D is dealing with the horses, and her brothers appear. They look both hopeful and hangdog, and she’s like, yeah, I know why you’re here.

She and Ross walk on the beach, and Ross notes that this is a change of heart. “There was a time when you fought to escape your family.” “As you now mean to escape yours?” “George is NOT my family.” But Geoffy-Chuck? “I must entrust him to his mother’s care.” “And the child?” “To his father’s.” D thinks that a more solid separation between them and Trenwith can only be good. And, since he’s lost a part of his family, can he not embrace part of hers?

Elizabeth stares at the baby, much as she used to stare at Geoffy-Chuck, when George comes in to annouce that “we are rid of him.” “Who?” “Ross! Finally, he has admitted defeat. He will never again approach our house or any member of our family…A new chapter begins, without him.”

D has one more thing to tell Ross- she’s pregnant, and she’s worried he won’t like it. He admits that he wishes the timing were better, what with the war and all. But with her, and beside her, he has a life sentence. They can face it all.

Ross and D on the beach. Ross is touching her belly.

Morning, and D walks along the beach, Elizabeth holds little Val, and looks just pissed at her life. Ross ponders the sea, and goes to mine to break some rocks. D’s brothers are working at the mine – rather, Drake is, Samuel is preaching. Henshawe, Zacky, and Ross watch him, and Ross is like, is he a Problem? The other two admit that Sam works his ass off, so there’s not much to be done about him. Henshawe also notes that in times of war and famine, there are people looking for something to believe in.

Sam Carne preaching at Wheal Grace, waving his Bible around.

At Trenwith, Elizabeth tells George that Verity will be coming home for Val’s christening. G-C excitedly tells Morwenna that Aunt Verity is a Poldark like him and Aunt Aggie. Morwenna innocently asks if the other Poldarks will be coming. George snots that Morwenna is lucky to never have met the Nampara Poldarks and that Ross has severed ties with Trenwith (G-C looks MUTINOUS). “We feels nothing but relief at being spared his intrusions.” Elizabeth looks nothing of the sort.

Ross, D, and Prudie are sitting down to dinner in the cottage the Brothers Carne have moved into. Sam offers thanks to the Lord for everything he’s given them, like this house. Prudie remarks that it wasn’t God who did that, is was Ross. Well, because God moved him to do so! Ross: nah, it was your sister. Sam also prays for new beams to mend the roof, and then they’ll bring the light to the dark places of Cornwall. Drake, EVER SO CASUALLY asks if Trenwith is a dark place. Ross: why do you ask? Drake: it was your family home, but now it’s in unfriendly hands? Ross: true, and you’ll do me a solid by never going there or dealing with any of their household.

At Nampara, Ross flops into bed, and D asks him if he REALLY needs to forbid the boys from setting foot on Trenwith land. Ross: they’ll just get into trouble. D: Like you? Ross: I am a simple country squire, I don’t GET into trouble anymore. D: mmmmmhmmmm. Ross has a home, a mine, a family, and a wife. And he will make the most of what life has to offer. “Including me?” “Especially you.”

During the day, Drake is washing in a stream. He still has his breeches on, but no shirt, and while he’s young and kinda scrawny, there’s potential there. Prudie walks by, carrying wood, and after a moment of contemplation, she tosses one down, and laments about how life is sooo difficult for a maid with no man to care for her. Drakes hops up out of the water to pick up the stick, and Prudie mentions that she has….other…. needs that a body might have. Drake turns white and grabs his clothes and runs away, while Prudie chuckles.

Prudie, looking all forlorn as she says "Not to mention... other needs a body might have."

Drake, mouth gaping like a landed fish

Drake runs away as Prudie laughs

Up above the sea, Caro puts fresh flowers on Uncle Ray’s grave, and muses that it feels like a lifetime since she married Enys, but it’s barely been a month. D assures her that he’ll be home soon. Caro thinks soon is relative.

Caro, Demezla, and Ross. Demelza is grinning at Caroline, because no one is as happy for her friends as Demelza Poldark

At sea, Enys writes to Caro that they’ve seen the French fleet near their position, they don’t know when the fight will be, but there will be one.

Back in Cornwall, Ross asks when Caro will announce that they’ve married, and she’s like, oh, you know. We’ll have a big to-do when Enys gets back. She’s worried that it will seem disrespectful to Ray if people know she married in secret.

At YET ANOTHER GIANT HOUSE, another posh man, Sir Francis, is talking with George, about the sad loss of Ray Penvenen. He notes that Ray had a lot but lived a simple life, and that “We of less… exalted… stock would do well to follow his example.” George: You, yourself, have risen far, Sir Francis, in both wealth and status. Sir Francis is like, yeah. That’s true. So have you. “Do you believe that we who have acquired privileges of wealth should enjoy superiority in all matters?” “I believe that power should always be in the hands of those who know what to do with it?” “And justice?” “Superior intellect will always ensure that justice will be done.”

(There’s a really interesting thing happening here in body movements. Sir Francis, whose previous circumstance I don’t know, walks like a tradesman. He’s got a rolling motion and is centered around his core in the manner of someone who’s done physical labor, unlike George, who was born into money the way his father and uncle were not, carries himself up higher. It’s a really interesting comparison, and I don’t know if it’s intentional, or if that’s just the way John Hopkins walks. But I like it.)

The point is, Ray Penvenen was a magistrate. They now need a new magistrate. Sir Francis is having a small gathering, and hopes that George and Elizabeth will join them.

At the Carne Cottage, Drake asks D if she ever goes to church, and she admits to once a day on Christmas, but does try to avoid sin the rest of the time, and she thinks more highly of love. Her husband, her son, her dog… Sam is most distressed at this, and even Drake is a bit nonplussed. Drake also says that Sam thinks D likes Drake the best. D says she like’s them both the best, but Drake will have the young maids all a-tremble in these parts.

Morwenna and Geoffy-Chuck are giggling over a book, and Elizabeth waspishly asks if it’s a comical book. Morwenna admits no, it’s the book Elizabeth was using to teach G-C his letters. G-C says that it never used to seem funny BUT IT IS NOW. Little Val starts fretting, and Morwenna and G-C start giggling again. (Aggie is delighted by all the awkwardness.)

At the mine, a fight has broken out. Henshawe is pretty much waiting for it to run its course. Ross comes up, and asks what’s up, and Zacky and Henshawe are both like, this is YOUR mess, an old friend of YOUR family. Ross takes one looks and exclaims “Tholly!” an older man in the process of pummeling some other poor schmuck is like, oh it’s you! Tholly gets sucker punched and knocked out, and Henshawe wakes him up by pouring a bucket of water over him. Tholly, who has a hook for a hand, gets up while Ross glares. “I thought you were dead!” Tholly is not, but he’s cheated death by a whisker- or a hand- a few times.

Tholly’s been off apirating or a-freetrading, and doing okay by it (his accent is really thick, and you guys know I’m pretty good at this, but even I am having trouble following along). Tholly regrets none of his adventures, and maybe Ross will join him? Ross: nope, I’m not adventuring anymore. Tholly: yeah, okay. He carries the bones of his hand in his belt pouch to remind him how fragile life can be- you know, like in France, which is full of blood and strife and murder and mayhem. “Live in the moment, say I! And be damned of the consequence. It’s in the blood, son! Old Joshua could never resist.” Ross, however, intends to resist.

At Trenwith, George is excitedly pacing and saying that of course Sir Francis did not explicitly offer the position of magistrate… Elizabeth says, in the tones of someone who knows she’s not actually required for this conversation, “You expect him to.” Yes, at the party on Monday. “I’ll need robes, of course, and a suitable wig.” and he can see himself on the bench, dispensing justice. Elizabeth tells him that Francis (her dead husband, not Sir Francis, who is both alive and not her husband) thought it a terrible bore. George sniffs that Francis didn’t understand what he had, and besides, it’s a means to an end. Which is? “To ensure my son and heir does not need to fight for his place in society.”

On the bluffs, Ross and D walk, Ross musing that he and Francis used to play up there. D hopes that G-C will do the same with Valentine. D asks if Ross is worried about G-C, and Ross is like yeah, growing up with George? YEAH. D peaceably says that if they keep their distance, all will be well. For the Nampara Poldarks.

A carriage comes to Trenwith, and it’s Verity! And the baby! Aggie is as delighted to see them as I am.

Verity greeting Elizabeth, and Aggie, who is happiest that her favorite niece is home again

“The little mite! Takes after his father, do he?” Elizabeth comes out to greet them, and says it’s quite the family gathering. Verity asks if Ross and D are there, and Aggie’s like, pffffffff. Elizabeth: Ross and George are still Ross and George, and pivots to cooing at the baby. “The image of his papa!” “And Valentine? Who does he favor?” Elizabeth walks into the house pretending to not have heard.

On the beach, Ross is riding, and finds the mast of a ship, and rides off.

D kneads bread dough (in a kneading trough! I want one) while Prudie sympathizes with baby Valentine having to grow up a Warleggan. D grimaces and pokes at her belly, and Prudie asks if “he” is giving her grief. D: Who says it’s a he?

On the beach, the Brothers Carne look at the mast- that’s what they need to hold up their roof. Sam says they’ll thank God for sending it to them, and pray for the poor souls on the ship that died so that they might have a new roof. Ross is like, IDGAF what you do with it, just don’t stir up shit in the village, please. There’s been enough unrest. He just wants a little peace. Sam: “you’ll find peace in the Lord!” Ross: sure, whatever.

Tiny Valentine gets baptised with the Trenwith family around him, while Ross and D work in the garden. They hear the bells ringing, and D says that Verity will be there, along with Caroline. Ross doesn’t answer.

As they leave the church, George blathers about how Val was so excited to make his entrance in the world, and Verity says that yes, he’s a true Warleggan. George tells them smugly lists all of the improvements he’s made to the church- new roof, new windows, candlesticks… “As head of the premier family of the district, I feel it is my duty to lead the way.” Caroline mutters to Verity, “Isn’t this the Poldark family church?” Verity: “George has a short memory.”

As the Brothers Carne bring their mast back to their cottage, they pass the church and Drake sees Morwenna, and asks if maybe they could go to this church? They seem Christian enough. Sam merely looks at him like, bro.

Verity with Poor Baby Val, walking with Caro

Verity and Caroline remark over Val and how he maybe favors his mother, when George smarms up and asks Caro if she’ll have an announcement soon. Caro sort of flails about for a second. “Your engagement to Lord Coniston?” OH THAT. “No. I could not possibly consider it so soon after my uncle’s death.” Varity changes the subject and says she heard Enys was assisting at Val’s birth. Yes, but he’s back with the Navy, with the Western Squadron. George hopes the Western Squadron wasn’t involved in “this latest skirmish.” The George and Cary heard that there was a storm than a 12 hour long battle, 3 French ships lost, four British. Caro gets whiter and whiter, and then George mentions a merchant ship that was caught up in it, as well. Verity anxiously asks if they know any names of the ships involved, but George isn’t sure. Caro turns and crumples slightly, and Verity swoops her away to Nampara.

D asks if they’re certain and Verity says that nothing is certain, but she’s the wife of Captain Blamey, goddammit, and she can get information. She’s wringing her hands, and Caro has collapsed to the bench. D bellows for Prudie to go get a message to Ross. He’s gotta go to Truro.

The Brothers Carne are still walking their mast, and it’s getting heavy. The plunk it down on the fence that surrounds Trenwith (which a sign that says “No Trespassing by Order of George Warleggan”) and Sam says this is the land Ross told them to stay away from, so they’ll have to go around. Drake: that’s like MILES AND MILES and this thing is fucking heavy. He hopes the fence,and reasonably points out that they don’t mean HARM, so it’s fine.

Morwenna is out picking flowers, and G-C is being a kid, saying that christenings are dull. They see the Brothers Carne and their Mast (BAND NAME) and G-C yells that they are on private property. Sam explains that they just need a short cut, and could young Master Warleggan- “MY NAME IS POLDARK.” Oh, well, that’s a horse of a different color, isn’t it, and we met you before! You directed us to my sister, Demelza Poldark’s house! “That’s my aunt! Does that mean we’re related?” I mean, kind of. Morwenna sends G-C back to the house, and tells Drake that if they hurry, they’ll avoid the men George has patrolling the grounds. She also suggests that they not mention this to Elizabeth or George, since George gets all worked up over trespassers and literally everything else. “Do you think they’re really related to my Aunt Demelza?” “it seems unlikely, they seem very low-born.” And Drake comes running back with flowers he picked, since Morwenna got distracted from picking them herself.

Morwenna holding her flowers, walking back to Drake

I love the print on her dress so much.

Everyone has left the christening reception, and George brings Elizabeth a gift of a fancy necklace to thank her magic uterus “The first of many, I hope.” He puts it around her neck, while she grumbles about Verity, leaving so suddenly and dragging Caro with her! “What on earth could she mean?”

What she meant was to send Ross to Truro to get news, and he comes back with vague rumors “not to be relied upon.” The lost merchant ship is rumored to be the Esmeralda- and Verity starts to cry- and the Travail, Enys’ ship, was lost off the French coast. Ross comforts Verity while D embraces Caro, and Ross says that at this point, there’s no way of knowing if anyone made it to shore.

In the morning, Verity stands on the cliffs and cries (even though she’s looking towards Ireland, and not France, because Nampara is on the north side of Cornwall – never give a girl a map when she’s reading, she notices these things).

Ross rides to Sawle, and Zacky tells him that he hasn’t seen Tholly for a while. He’s probably in someone’s bed, and Ross is like, well, it was a thought, but involvement with Tholly comes at a price. And also I have my own connections. “In the trade?” Ross is like, yeah, I did promise D that my dealings were done with them, but this is for Enys and Verity. So he’s ridden up and down the coast, and if there’s any whispers of rumors, he’ll hear of it.

The next morning people, including the Brothers Carne, file into the church (I guess the Christening was on a Saturday? Not during a regular service?). The priest looks a bit anxious about the Brothers Carne, and goes back to reading his Bible. Sam tells him it’s time to start, and the priest is like “we start when Warleggan shows up.” Sam says fine, lets sing while we wait for his sinning ass.

At Trenwith, Elizabeth and Aggie are also waiting for George’s sinning ass, and Aggie asks if Verity will be joining them. Elizabeth is all “no, Verity will do what she does” and Aggie muses that Verity must like her Nampara cousins better. Elizabeth calls for George, and Aggie observes that Francis was never late, but Francis also didn’t assume that the service was “conducted purely for his benefit.”

In the church, Sam is lustily leading the congregation in song, much to the dismay of the priest. George leads the Trenwith contingent in, and Drake and Morwenna exchange a Look. George is Not Amused, and the priest apologizes to George.

Down on the beach, Zacky tells Ross that no one knows anything, and Ross bellows that he’ll give a guinea for solid information. They know where to find him. At Nampara, both Caro and Verity decide to return to their respective houses.

After the service, Drake and Morwenna make eyes at each other some more, and Sam offers God’s Grace to George. George, of course, does not want God’s Grace. He’s miffed at how the Methodists “…set themselves apart.” They act superior, and that’s GEORGE’S JOB. He tells the reverend to deal with them in the appropriate way. George. Come on. You don’t burn heretics anymore.

We get a shot of the Reverend visiting the Brothers Carne, and then it cuts to Nampara, where Ross is angry that there’s still more conflict with the George. Turns out, the Reverend has told the Carnes they can’t go to church anymore. Sam says the Lord must have some purpose in these “runctions.” and Ross is like, bullshit, I don’t need the Lord (or you) messing with my affairs. “If you will excuse me, the Lord has seen fit to consign hundreds of souls to the bottom of the sea, and I must see if my friends are among them.”

At Trenwith, Verity is playing cards with Elizabeth and Aggie, and keeps looking at the door. Elizabeth tries to tell her not to worry, that no news is better than bad, and Verity says that Ross promised to send word as soon as he had any. Aggie sniffs that Ross will do what he promised, “It is the Poldark way.” Verity says that this feud is ridiculous, and can’t there be anything that will heal it? “When you married Andrew, against the wishes of your family, did you not vow to take his part in all things?” Well, yeah, but… “I am Warleggan now.”

Ross comes home to Nampara, and reports to D that the Esmeralda (Blamey’s ship) seems to have completely vanished, and of the Travail (Enys’ ship) there is a report a ship that smashed up on rocks, the crew made it to the shore, and they were set upon by a lawless rabble. No idea where they were taken or if that ship even was the Travail. But there’s no way to find out. On this side of the Channel. D: hold the fuck up. France is a shitshow right now. Ross: what should I do? D: wait to see if we can find anything else out? Ross: okay. D: why are you agreeing? Ross: we have an invitation to a party with Sir Francis, and he’s got French noble refugees staying with him, and they might have heard about the Travail. So….we’ll go, and see what’s up.

Drake climbs on rocks and gathers tiny shells from the tidal pools.

Baby Val screams in his crib while Elizabeth gets ready for the party. Verity comes in, with a somewhat concerned looking Baby Andrew, and asks if Val is in some distress. “Yes, he often seems so.” Verity: shouldn’t you…like… pick him up and figure out what the problem is? “And have him learn that he will always get his own way? Geoffrey-Charles never cried.” Verity: you never let him. Elizabeth: children are different, and if you ever have another one, you’ll know that. Verity’s mouth tightens, and Elizabeth sort of apologizes, and hopes that should Verity get that chance, the next baby is as amiable as G-C. Now we mustn’t be late to the party!

Said amiable child is walking on the beach with Morwenna, and crowing that this is the best beach in the world, and it belongs to his Uncle Ross! Morwenna, reasonably, asks if maybe they shouldn’t be there, since the grownups are fighting? G-C: It’s not MY fight. Speaking of not the grownups, here comes Drake!

Drake is delighted by the waves, and the holy well he found- it’s a hollow in the rocks where the waves crash up, but the water is sweet because it wa consecrated 1000 years ago by Saint Sol(?). He asks if they’d like to see it, and Morwenna is like, no, that’s not a great idea, and G-C, who knows how to be a wingman, says that of COURSE they would. Drake leads them to a cave.

Ross, D, and Caro arrive at Sir Francis’ house- it’s even bigger than Killewarren. D slyly eyes Ross and notes that the mine at Grace is still producing. “In ten years I might be able to build us a small outhouse.” Inside, it’s quite elegant, and D is delighted. George and Elizabeth enter the room, and everyone eyes each other awkwardly. Verity sidles over to D and Caro, and they plan out their mission- to get news of the two ships by any means necessary.

Demelza, Verity, and Caroline, plotting to save their men.

In the cave, Drake leads Morwenna and G-C to the well. They each drink and Drake tells that it’s wishing well, too. You put your hand in, say “Father, son, and holy spirit” and your wish will be granted! G-C goes first, then Drake, watching Morwenna the whole time. Morwenna takes her turn, then giggles awkwardly. Morwenna says that Saint Sol wouldn’t approve, making their frivolous wishes at his well. Drake’s wasn’t frivolous, though. Nor was G-C’s. Nor, indeed, was Morwenna’s. Morwenna then begins to hustle G-C home, and Drake gives her a string of tiny shells that he gathered. “Just something that I made.”

Ross introduces D to Sir Francis, who asks if she’s the one he needs to thank, since Ross shuns society most of them time. Sir Francis notes that he and Ross have much in common: they employ much of the county, they have concerns about working conditions and wish to improve them…? “Will you be called a Jacobin?” Nah, Sir Francis doesn’t like Revolution, as those people over there will tell you. He nods at some Frenchmen across the room who know that revolution is a hot mess. “Let me introduce you.”

George and Elizabeth also enter the room, and George is like “I need to go hang with Sir Francis, but I can’t seem like I’m too eager, that would be SUPER UNCOOL speaking of uncool, why is Ross even here?” Elizabeth says that the Poldark’s and Sir Francis’ family go back generations, so… and then she sees the pinched look on George’s face. “Of course, Sir Francis welcomes… newer… connections. Those whose fortunes, like his own, were made. Not inherited.” She bounces to go talk to someone else.

Back on the beach, G-C muses that Drake is quite common. Morwenna: low born, you mean? G-C: I don’t care about that. He’s got more wit than most people in our class. Morwenna: don’t tell your Uncle George about that. Or anyone else. Maybe we shouldn’t come back here. “Morwenna! It’s the best beach in Cornwall!” It’s Poldark land, and Drake is a Poldark relative.

At the party, George asks D if she doesn’t find the house too grand and intimidating. She does not, it is beautiful. “But of course, these days you glide through all levels of society with ease. Why I just saw you talking with our French amis.” D says that they were talking of plans of a landing, in Brittany. To raise the Royalist flag, as the Bretons do suffer very much. And D wonders what advantage “we” might take from such a landing. We the British Navy? No, we who have friends trapped on French shores. And if they manage a landing, then they might be able to locate and free them. George, who has no friends: “Interesting thought.”

Reverend Halse (played by OG 1975 Ross Robin Ellis), comes up and sniffs that any such a landing OUGHT to have the objective of liberating all of France, not some minor English officers. George introduces D, and D smiles sweetly and says that it is a large house, so he should be able to avoid Ross without difficulty. You come at the Queen, you best not miss.

George invites Halse to play faro, and Halse says he’ll join in a minute, and goes over to Ross. Ross gets a look on his face like, “I HAVE KEPT OUT OF TROUBLE I AM CERTAIN” and it’s hilarious.

Ross, seeing Reverend Halse and mentally running through all the things he's done in the past four years, checking to see if he's done anything illegal

No, Halse has something else to discuss. Ray’s death left an opening on the magistrate bench. And there’s been a Poldark on the Bench for over 100 years. Ross thinks Halse should be glad Ross broke with tradition. Perhaps, but Sir Francis has asked Hawse to ask Ross (to pass a note that says “do you like me check yes or no”) to step up. Ross: uh, you know I was on trial like, four years ago. Halse: you were acquitted. Ross: and y’all are fine with this? Youthful exuberance and all that? Halse: We’re of the opinion that a reformed sinner is a good judge. Plus you’d get a say in the administration of justice and have a say in things like taxes and the uses they are put to. Ross: but I’d have to JUDGE people. Halse: that is the deal, yes. Ross does not want to the judge people (You’re SUPER JUDGY, ROSS. COME ON.)

Halse: Okay, but I should tell you that if you do say no, this will be offered elsewhere. Ross declines. “To George Warleggan.” Ross pauses. “An admirable choice. George has all the qualities I lack.” “And lacks all the qualities you have.” Ross walks away. Idiot.

On the stairs, Verity looks at her miniature of Blamey and tries not to cry. D finds her and tells her not to lose heart, and Verity is like, I have to prepare myself. But if it is the worst, don’t pity me, pity Caro, who’s life with Enys barely started. Verity has had six years of happiness, and a delightful baby, and it’s six years and far more joy than she ever expected. “You’re too good,” D tells her. “I’m not. You learn to make the best of things. To be grateful for whatever you have in life.”

Ross and George cross paths, and there should be a tumbleweed rolling past them. D asks if she should be grateful for this mess with George? Verity: “I confess that disquiets me. Poldarks are quick to anger and slow to forgive. But you, are you so like Ross that you cannot let go of ill will?” They’re all in this room, bound by blood, but cannot speak. It’s ridiculous. And Verity doesn’t even know what caused this. Before D can answer, Caro runs over to tell Verity that word from the Admiralty has come- the Esmeralda put into Lisbon two days ago, and they’re unharmed. Verity bursts into tears.

Once she’s calmed down a bit, and sitting on a couch, Ross brings her some port, while D tells him how stupid he is for turning down the magistrate position. “The common folk need someone on their side!” “But I wouldn’t be permitted to be on their side, I’d be obliged to be fair.” D: But you could use your power wisely, with justice? Turd.

In the morning, Ross, D and Caro leave, and Ross admits that the French had no news of Travail that he didn’t already know. Back at Nampara, with Caro left at Killewarren, Ross tells D that didn’t want to distress Caro, but he was told that if there were survivors, the lists would have been published by the French to boast of their capture. But there aren’t any lists.

At Trenwith, George struts about that he’s the first Warleggan to be called to the Bench. “Are you impressed?” Elizabeth is unsurprised. After all, what other candidate could there be? Aggie, there with her bucket of ice water: “Ross?” No, George, says, no. He wasn’t offered it. Aggie: Maybe he was though. George doesn’t like that thought. Not at all.

Verity stands with Baby Andrew on the cliff- they’re heading to Lisbon soon, and will see Captain Blamey soon.

Verity, looking into the sun

The Brothers Carne swim in the ocean, and elsewhere, Morwenna is wearing the shells Drake gave her around her wrist.

The Brothers Carne, swimming and playing

At Nampara, Ross and D are getting ready for bed, and D is hoping for a bit of peace in their lives. Ross lays down, pants still on, when there’s a knock at the door.

Demelza shoves Ross out of bed, because late night door knockers aren't her responsibility

It’s Tholly, and he’s got news. The Travail ran aground and hundreds of English prisoners are being held in an old prison. D: Enys? Ross: If he survived, and old friend of my father has contacts there. D: smuggling. Ross: yeah, well. Yeah. We might be able to get info, for a price. So? “I think I must go.”

Verity hugs Aggie and Elizabeth and Geoffy-Chuck goodbye. Aggie thinks she’ll never see Verity again.  She might be right.  Verity leaves.

Caro stares out the window, anxious, and across the channel, French soldiers fire at British sailors- Enys isn’t one of them, but they are aiming at him next. Ross, Tholly, and a few other men launch the boat to go to France, while D sees them off. So much for that quiet country squire life, eh?

RHG: WE’RE BACK

Ross has a lot to do to redeem himself for the douchebagginess of last season, but to counterbalance him, we have Demelza, and we have Carolight (the official name of the Caroline/Enys relationship) and we have her adorable brother Drake, and Morwenna, and the now VERY INTERESTING Geoffy-Chuck. And Aunt Aggie.

Now the question is: How much of a shithead is George gonna be this season? A lot, is my guess.

I don’t really understand the differences between the Non-Lutheran protestant denominations, or what Methodism is giving people that the Church of England is not.  But I am finding this plotline really interesting.

ROSS.  ROSS. You are handed the chance to prevent a lot of damage, and you say that you can’t judge people (lies) and then you hand that opportunity to GEORGE. Even Reverend Halse knows that George is a terrible choice. For fuck’s sake.

Are you watching this season? What’s your take?

RedHeadedGirl’s Historical Kitchen: Sally Lunns

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At the end of the summer, of my best friends went to Colonial Williamsburg for some teacher something something retreat something thing. That’s not important. What is important is that she picked up the cookbook of recipes from the Raleigh Tavern Bakery, and as I flipped through it, I happened on a recipe for Sally Lunns.

Now wait a second, says I. Isn’t that the name of those Bath Buns that are, like, super well known?

Yes! They are! Only the Sally Lunn recipe that Sally Lunn’s Historic Eating House has is not the same as the one from Raleigh Tavern. Their historic recipe allegedly came to Bath in the 1680s from a French Huguenot woman escaping one of the waves of persecution (and the fact that they don’t have her sneaking the recipe across the English Channel like, sewn into her skirts is a failing in their storytelling, I think). (It’s also pretty much known to be actual bullshit, but don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story.)

The finished product.

Anyway, their recipe is more brioche-y (meaning, more butter) than the one from the Raleigh Tavern (and there’s a nose-in-the-air section on the website that enjoins the reader to NOT confuse the Bath Bun of Bath with the Bath Bun of London. THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT.)

(Side bar: if anyone knows where I can get a Bath Bun of London in London I am ALL EARS and stomach.)

So the Raleigh Tavern recipe is dated as 1770, and is originally from the granddaughter of Governor Spotswood of Virginia:

“Beat four eggs well; then melt a large Tablespoonful of Butter, put it in a Teacup of warm Water, and pour it to the Eggs with a Teaspoon of Salt and a Teacup of Yeast (this means Potato Yeast); beat in a Quart of Flour making the Batter stiff enough for a Spoon to stand in. Put it to rise before the Fire the Night before. Beat it over in the Morning, grease your Cake-mould and put it in Time enough to rise before baking. Should you want it for Supper, make it up at 10 o’Clock in the Morning in the Winter and 12 o’Clock in the Summer.”

I also have a book of cookery manuscripts from 18th Century Britain (Egg Pies, Moss Cakes, and Pigeons Like Puffins, by Vincent DiMarco), which includes one from 1778, from a woman in Bath, which has a recipe for Sally Lun, and… let’s see if you notice what’s missing:

“A pint of cream,  put a piece of Butter about the size of a Wallnut in it, put it on the fire & make it just Blood warm. the yolks of three Eggs beat Fine, put in it one spoonfull & half of Good barm, mix your Cream, Eggs, & yeast together, then strain it through a Sive. Make it as stiff as Dough, then role it out to the size you would have it. Cut it in three, Butter it with a pound of Butter, a little Salt.”

Did you notice? THERE’S NO FLOUR.  (also the “make your dough like dough and roll it out as big as you want” cracks me the fuck up.) Also you have yeast (barm is the yeasty byproduct of brewing) but it doesn’t tell you to let it rise. I suspect this is like many family recipes that only part is written down because of course you know to add flour! Of course you do!

I mostly include the Bath recipe for comparison and hilarious capitalizations. I am going to try to do the Raleigh Tavern Sally Lunns from the original recipe and not use the modern interpretation the book gives me. This could be hilarious.

I beat four eggs, and then melted a tablespoonish lump of butter, mixed it with a literal teacup of warm water, some salt, and yeast.

Beaten eggs, water, butter, and yeast.

I suspect that “potato yeast” means a sourdough starter made from potatoes, which I do not have on hand, and really didn’t have time to make. I used regular dry yeast, and not a teacup, just a scant tablespoon or so.

Then I added in the flour. It ended up being around 3 cups, until it was stiff enough for a spoon to stand up in.

Dough with a spoon standing up in it, as the directions said.

I figured that a reasonable modern equivalent of setting the dough to rise before the fire was putting it in the cold oven overnight.

We're calling this a modern "by the fire" overnight.

It worked!

It rose! It's a very slack dough, but it rose!

In the morning, I beat the dough down (I saw some discussion that posited that “beat it down” meant “knead” after the first rise, but I didn’t do that this time), then put it in the tube pan for it’s second rise.  It was around 10 am, and I wasn’t back to actually bake it until 5 pm.

Beaten down dough, in the bundt cake pan.

I chose to use a tube pan because the modern interpretation called for it, and it’s the closest thing to a cake mold I could get at the time.

After being left to rise quietly for several hours. It did rise, some.

I baked at 375 for 45 minutes:

Finished product, cooling on the counter.

The taste is…uh. Well, there’s just not a lot of there there. It’s got a sour taste like it sourdoughed itself (which I think lends credence to the potato sourdough starter theory). It’s also got the chewy, almost tough sourdough texture (and I think I should have pulled it from the oven about five to ten minutes earlier. I’m not a sourdough fan, so I’m not thrilled with this version.

That said, I honestly think I could just do Sally Lunn variations for the next six months.


If you’re in the UK, RHG will be holding informal meetups in York, London, and Edinburgh!

Smart Bitches Business Update, October 2017

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The Ladies Howdy, folks!

It’s time for the October edition of the Smart Bitches Business Update. Once a month, I leap nerdily into the behind-the-scenes details of the Hot Pink Palace of Bitchery, and bring you all with me.

Past updates have talked about stats, our store and merchandise, and the places where our community members make their homes – or at least their internet surfing habits.

This month, we have a lot to talk about!

First up: The Slayer of Words Collection Quarterly Report! 

With the permission and encouragement of Ms. Beverly Jenkins, Slayer of Words, we created a collection of tshirts, notebooks, mousepads, and more that celebrate her 2017 Nora Roberts Lifetime Achievement Award and the speech that rocked all speeches. Ms. Bev designated the proceeds to Doctors Without Borders, and it’s time for my quarterly report of orders, royalties, and donations! Let’s do this!

First, here is the report of orders and royalties from Zazzle on the Slayer of Words products:

Slayer of Words shirt: 89 sold, royalty of 108.66Mug royalties 9.11 Mousepad 5.56 notebook royalties 4.00 Waterbottle 3.40 royalties

So if my calculator is correct (and wow do I hope it is) that means the total royalties since the collection was launched in August is: $130.73. NICE!

And that total has been donated to Doctors Without Borders as of 4 October 2017:

Receipt for donation of 130.73

Thank you for being part of the Slayer of Words celebration – and congratulations again, Ms. Bev!

Blue gift box with silver ribbon on white background.

And now – Get Ready For Holiday Shopping! 

I’m going to be starting my holiday gift guides, wherein I shop for all of you and find wonderful items to give to other people, or ask for as future presents for yourself.

And I LOVE your suggestions! Seriously – is there an Etsy store you love? A blend of tea you adore? A gift you received or gave that made a wonderful difference?

If so, I would love to hear about. Gift guide writing is so much fun – and rather expensive in terms of temptation – and I so enjoy your recommendations. Please email me if you’ve got ideas, ok?

As always, we end with goofy stats!

Our top 10 countries in the past month in terms of visitor numbers are the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, India, Germany, Philippines, New Zealand, Sweden, and South Africa. But right behind South Africa? Ireland!

The country that spent the most time on the site in the past month? St. Lucia! Hello, St. Lucia!

And, even more importantly, thank you, thank you, thank you, for being part of Smart Bitches. We wouldn’t be here without you. Thank you.

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