I’ve been prepping for this week’s Bachelor all day. Three hours. It’s going to be three hours long, people. I’ve been pushing water. I’ve done some stretches. My husband rubbed my shoulders and told me to “go get ’em champ.”
And now it’s time. My liver and I are ready.
Last week on Elyse Watches The Bachelor…
Nick and his tears flew to Finland to choose between the final three women: Rachel, Raven and Vanessa. This involves something called The Fantasy Suite. The Fantasy Suite is a really nice hotel room where banging may/may not occur.
Last week Raven spent the night with Nick in The Fantasy Suite after confessing to him that she’s never had an O. I’m guessing that sad truth still stands.
Anyway, here we go…
Raven and Nick wake up together. Raven tepidly tells the camera, “I’m pretty satisfied today.”
Yup. Thought so.
Poor Raven.
Nick has to leave Raven, though, as he has other women to smex.
Rachel (wearing an adorable knitted hat) and Nick go on a date where they feed some reindeer. Later they sit around a fire and talk. Rachel tells Nick that she’s scared about how much she cares about him and how vulnerable that makes her.
Nick says, “I’m scared too. We can be scared together.”
I think she was actually looking for validation that her fears of rejection were unwarranted, but way to make that situation 100% more awkward, Nick. He then observes that some of his favorite moments with Rachel were when she was having a meltdown from the pressures of the show. Because they overcame them together. Or something.
Like remember when she was ready to lead the other women to revolt during the volleyball game? Remember when we almost got The Bachelorette Free Territories? Remember that Nick? You almost lost your nuts.
Nick’s instincts suck.
“You’re rare and refreshing,” Rachel laughs.
“I might be white, but I’m still a minority,” Nick jokes.
Rich, Dewey and I all pull this face at the same time:
There’s not much to say after that little nugget of awfulness, so Nick and Rachel go for a ride on a sleigh pulled by a reindeer. After dark they go to a chalet for some wine and more painful conversation. Rachel tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him.
Nick replies, “Rachel, I’m falling for you. 100%.”
Then they make out.
When they pull apart, Nick hands Rachel the Fantasy Suite envelope from Chris Harrison.
Now, I’ve had a week to ponder how bizarre it is that Chris Harrison writes A HANDWRITTEN LETTER to the Bachelor and one of the women, includes a key, and basically INVITES THEM TO HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER.
Why. The. Fuck. Is. Chris. Harrison. Involved.
The handwritten note is so creepily intimate. None of it makes sense. None of it.
Is Chris Harrison drilling peepholes in the walls and watching them bone, too? Is he somehow the guardian of Nick’s chastity, and Nick is only allowed out to bone when Chris allows it? Is this some weird fetish I don’t know about? Is it called Harrison-ing?
Ugh.
Anyway. Nick and Rachel go upstairs to…do whatever. The camera pans out on the chalet while wet kisses noises set off my misophonia. WHY DOES IT SOUND SO JUICY?
Cut to the next morning where Nick and Rachel wake up together. Nick makes eggs, miraculously not burning himself or setting fire to anything. Then Nick tells Rachel that he has to go and get ready.
You know. For having sex with her competition.
Next up it’s Vanessa, who meets Nick by a gorgeous frozen stream.
Nick’s date for Vanessa is to spend time in a sauna, then jump into freezing cold water. She’s less than thrilled.
Vanessa says, “I want to murder Nick. Chop him up and feed him to the reindeer.”
Sounds like the foundation for a beautiful relationship.
On the upside, the icy cold water may incapacitate Nick for later Fantasy Suite activities.
A few minutes into their excursion, Vanessa realizes that she’s having a blast with the sauna/ice bath ritual and is totally into it. Nick makes sounds like a dying walrus and occasionally shouts, “It hurts!”
Later they sit in a hot tub. Nick observes that Vanessa’s family is very close and that, in a past relationship, his girlfriend’s family disrupted his relationship with his girlfriend by being overly involved. Vanessa says that she’s not willing to compromise her family traditions, like three hour lunches on Sundays. The conversation gets kind of hostile and awkward. In my opinion, Vanessa and Nick seem the least likely to work out, mostly because Vanessa looks like she wants to stab Nick a lot.
Then we cut to a new Yurt of Lovin’. The subject of where they would live comes up–Vanessa is Canadian and isn’t willing to move. Nick doesn’t seem to be excited about moving to Montreal. They bicker a little bit, and again, the whole vibe is vaguely angry.
“We’re passionate people,” Nick says.
Vanessa tells Nick she loves him (despite the previous conflict) and they kiss for awhile. Then Nick pulls out Chris Harrison’s super fucking creepy card. I bet it’s written in his own blood.
No update yet as to whether or not Nick’s balls have descended from his rib cage after his many submersions in the ice bath. Regardless he and Vanessa make out on a bed AND OMG THERE WAS THE MOST AMAZING CHUNKY HANDKNIT BLANKET AND I’M STILL LOOKING FOR SCREENGRABS SO I CAN MAKE IT.
Were I on the show, I would have shoved Nick off the bed at this point. I can picture him landing with a thud and possibly getting a concussion. I would have examined the shit outta that blanket. Did they make it with roving? What size needles?
“CHRISTOPHER HARRISON!” Hypothetical me would scream. “Did you get me the key to the knitting yurt!”
Chris would appear and say, “You know it!”
Then he and I would sit and knit and watch The Catch while Nick wheezed somewhere from on the floor. I’d discuss appropriate boundaries when it comes to other people’s sex lives, but I’d be nice about it, because Chris would wind my yarn for me.
Did I mention I’m shitfaced?
Thank God my boss is out tomorrow. It’s gonna be a hoodie and panda-eyes day for sure.
After a commercial break, we cut straight to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. THERE ARE ONLY TWO ROSES AND I DIDN’T EVEN NEED CHRIS HARRISON TO TELL ME.
Five seconds in and Nick is already crying and mostly unintelligible.
“You know, coming into this, I think you all know how scared I was about this not working. But. Um. You know, my fears have been, kind of, overtaken by the love I feel. And. And. ” (This is where his voice gets squeaky). “This decision very difficult. I’m just follow my heart. I just want you to know how much I care about all of you.”
Cue dramatic music. Nick picks up the first rose.
The camera pans around the room while everyone looks like they want to puke.
Nick gives the first rose to Raven.
He picks up the second rose. Chris Harrison wisely doesn’t pop out to help us count to one.
Nick gives the rose to Vanessa.
Poor Rachel looks crushed. BUT YOU GET YOUR OWN SHOW, GIRL! WHO IS THE WINNER NOW?
Since we knew Rachel was the next Bachelorette, this is all very anticlimactic.
“I don’t know what to say,” Rachel whispers to Nick.
“I don’t know either,” Nick whispers back.
“Words are hard,” my husband whispers, making me spit Coke on my tablet.
Rachel handles the whole thing with absolute grace, and clearly she is the winner here.
Now all of this happens in an hour. AN HOUR. SO WTF ARE DOING FOR THE NEXT TWO?
Turns out it’s The Women Tell All time! All of the contestants show up to a studio somewhere and Chris Harrison claps his hands in glee while they tell him what a d-bag Nick is.
I think I’m actually okay with two hours of this.
I freshen up my drink, and we’re ready to go!
Chris Harrison welcomes “The Bachelor Nation” to the show. “Will Nick end up alone yet again?” Harrison asks.
Even Chris is dubious.
Mostly this is a clip-show and an excuse for ABC to fill two hours. Chris tries to pit the women against Corinne and I’m not 100% not here for that. First of all, women are taught to tear each other down, and fuck that shit.
I’m here to tell you that Corinne is awesome. I respect her naps, her sexual freedom, her cheese pasta. Corinne doesn’t need my approval but she has it.
In one of the more confusing moments, Elizabeth from TX says, “I’m all about unleashing your inner Khaleesi but sometimes you were a slob-kabob.”
What?
Liz reappears to tell us all AGAIN that she had sex with Nick once. Since this isn’t 1837, no one cares. In more interesting news, Liz says that the other contestants stayed in touch with her after she left the show and supported her.
Hailey says, “Most of the world knows Liz as someone who slept with Nick, but we know Liz as someone who helps build wells and orphanages.”
“We love you!” the other women scream.
I TOLD YOU THERE’S A SECRET SUPPORTIVE NETWORK HERE ABC DOESN’T WANT US TO SEE! SISTERHOOD FTW!
Then there is this whole segment devoted to the Taylor/Corinne feud and also naps (I’m pro nap, for the record) and I pass out for awhile. Then Rich brought out some cheese to snack on and I woke up again.
I did regain consciousness long enough to hear about Raquel, who is referred to as Corinne’s “nanny.” Corinne explained that Raquel supported her while her mother battled ovarian cancer, moving from NJ to FL to help her family. At one point they made funeral arrangements for her mother (who survived). She refers to Raquel as a nanny because she feels like Raquel has such a profound maternal role in her life, far beyond a housekeeper or cleaning lady.
I don’t know if Raquel is married, but she absolutely needs to be the next Bachelorette.
Then we cut to Kristina. Remember her? She was a Russian orphan who nearly starved to death as a child.
Then, because fate is cruel, she was later subjected to spending time with Nick.
Kristina’s story makes a lot of people cry. Again, because the show is totally about female friendships NO MATTER WHAT TH EXECS AT ABC SAY, Liz says, “People here don’t understand how we’re born into such privilege. The fact that we’re up here arguing? You know what I mean? Especially in these times, women should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.”
AMEN SISTER.
“You’re so beautiful, ” Liz adds. “You have so much love to give.”
We go to a commercial, I stuff my face full of Fontina, and then Nick appears to be skewered by the ladies he rejected.
Kristina puts the spotlight right on Nick. She basically poured her whole heart out to him, telling him about her awful past, and he still rejected her.
“Honestly, I was very surprised I went home,” Kristina says, referencing how Nick accepted her vulnerability without indicating that things weren’t working. “What was missing?” she asks.
“It was easily one of the hardest goodbyes because of how fond I was of you,” Nick says.
My sister’s dog Dixie chose this moment to let us know what she thought about Nick.
Then we get the blooper real. Thank goodness. Any more close ups of Nick trying to articulate his feelings and I’m going to need more rum than is healthy.
Bloopers include Nick walking in the wrong direction a lot and Chris Harrison herding him where he needs to go, bees attacking, farts, Nick trying to catch food in his mouth, Raven stuffing cheese in Corinne’s mouth, and fake trees falling over.
Finally, finally we get to Rachel Lindsay, the next Bachelorette.
Rachel tells us that she doesn’t have a type physically, but she’s a sucker for someone who can make her laugh. She’s looking for a guy who is confident and secure in himself, and is ready to start a family.
For the record, I watch The Bachelor because it’s a glorious shitshow. I don’t believe it will end in True Love. But I really hope Rachel’s experience does.
Also all the other women totally cheer her on! SISTERHOOD!
“You’re beautiful!” someone shouts.
“You’ve got this!” says another.
“She’s so genuine!” says a third.
Nick comes out and it’s clear there are no hard feelings because I suspect there were no feelings period. I’m cool with that. I’m SO excited for Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette that it’s unreasonable.
Also I can’t feel my tongue anymore.
“How drunk are you?” asks my husband.
I’m slurring my words.
“Sunday.” I answer.
Then it’s on to a preview of the Finale.
True story, I fell in love with Rich when he pulled his car over outside a park, and we were late to a movie, because a Momma Duck was leading her baby ducks to a new pond. Except one got separated and scared. So he stopped and scooped it up with some old gloves while saying nice, soft things to Momma Duck. My ovaries didn’t stand a chance.
So who gets the final rose? Vanessa? Rachel? No one?