Happy Bachelor Day everyone! It’s that time again, when we ride a wave of Nick Viall’s salty man-tears straight on to true love.
Last week on Elyse Watches the Bachelor...
Nick cried a lot. I mean, a lot. And he mostly cried while sending women home because “I don’t feel like there’s the in love.” Whatever that means. So we’re down to four women, Corinne, Vanessa, Rachel, and Raven.
Last week, Nick and the ladies kept talking about how “hometowns” was coming like it was some sort of plague or a horde of zombies. “Hometowns” is the episode where everyone cringes during the awkward mess that is The Bachelor meeting the ladies’ families and visiting their hometowns (duh). It is superseded only by the awfulness that is “the fantasy suite” that comes later on.
So with that handy info, on with the show!
Nick shows up at the ladies’ Bimini villa fresh from his most recent cry on the beach. He asks, “Can I sit somewhere?”
IDK NICK CAN YOU? You’re the one who said couches were hard.
Nick presents all the remaining contestants with a rose, thereby skipping The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Shit, Chris Harrison is gonna be out of a job at this rate. He also tells them that the next time he sees them it will be in their hometown where he’ll meet their families.
JESUS, NOW HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE! RUN LADIES!
It’s at this point when I turn to my husband and ask, “So, if I brought Nick home, what do you think my mom would do?”
Now, Mama Elyse is five feet of pure, terrifying badassery. She’s slowed down a little since her scoliosis surgery, but she could still probably beat a dude to death with her back brace. My mother has been a nurse in an ER and a prison and a psychiatric ward. I inherited my grit and liberal use of the f-bomb from her.
“Nick would shit his pants,” my husband said instantly. “And then he’d give you the rose out of fear.”
Cut to commercial break. Dewey and I pour ourselves a strong drink because shit is about to get awkward.
The first hometown is Hoxie, AR–Raven’s hometown. She meets Nick by riding up to him on a four-wheeler. Up until now Raven has been cast as the sexy country gal, and it’s clear that the producers are sticking to this.
Raven says, “To have fun in Hoxie, you go muddin’, you go frogging, you go climb grain bins…Nick has no idea what he’s in for today!”
As a country (ish) girl myself, I would like to point out that you should not fuck around in grain silos. People literally suffocate after being sucked down inside the grain. Don’t do that okay?
They’re climbing a grain bin (presumably so Raven can push Nick in and he can drown in corn) when the police roll up. OH SHIT! Nick acts real nervous for the cameras – like the producers wouldn’t square things up at this point – but then it’s revealed that it’s just Raven’s brother! Ha ha! Continue your criminal trespassing, you adorable lovers!
Next Raven and Nick go muddin’ (when you drive a four-wheeler or similar vehicle through the mud for the express purpose of making a mess). At one point they hop off their vehicles and Nick removes his shirt – as he is contractually obligated to – and then climbs on top of Raven who is laying a pool of muck and pretending to be happy about it. Nick keeps his gloves on though because he’s a class act.
I kind of wish Raven had yelled, “Snake!” while they were flopping around in the mud, but I’m a jerk.
After a shower, Nick goes to meet Raven’s family, flowers and chocolates in hand. Raven reveals that a year and a half ago, her father was diagnosed with lung cancer and “we didn’t even know if my dad would see the day when I brought someone home.”
RAVEN! Sweetie! Do NOT waste that day on Nick!
Raven, her mother, father, brother, and Nick sit around the living room where her mother chooses this moment to reveal that Raven’s father is cancer free. I feel pretty weird about this, because that doesn’t seem like news you save for TV, you know? Also, Raven makes it sound like the news was even better because Nick was there to share it…Look, he didn’t cure the cancer. And I would argue that “cancer-free” is the best news, period. Honestly, this whole scene felt icky and contrived. I was super happy for Raven’s dad and her family, but I didn’t like how it played out.
Later, Nick sits outside with Raven’s dad, where he kind of asks permission to marry her? Kind of?
“One thing I did want to, you know, ask you, run by you, if Raven and I get to the end, we realize that we’re two people who can’t say goodbye to each other, and in fact, we wanna go a step further and get engaged—are you comfortable with that? Are you okay with that? As long as your daughter is okay with that? Um…”
Raven’s dad says, “Well, I’m gonna be probably real frank. I didn’t expect to you like you. You’re a very likable guy. I have enough faith in her judgement that I could live with that.”
So that’s good news for Nick – but remember this guy literally just learned that he’s cancer free. I’d probably say yes to a lot of things while riding that high. I might agree to read the next Fifty Shades of Grey book. Maybe.
Nah. I wouldn’t.
Later, Raven thinks about telling Nick she’s in love with him, but decides not to at the last minute because of her fear of rejection.
The next hometown is Rachel’s home of Dallas, Texas.
Rachel decides to take Nick to church, as her faith is an important part of her life. She also wonders if he’ll be comfortable in a predominantly black church. Nick says that he feels very welcomed by the congregation.
After church is brunch and there’s a second where the camera captures the fact that Rachel is eating a grilled cheese while drinking a mimosa. Okay, maybe it’s French toast. Either way, I’m 1000% down with these brunch plans.
Rachel reveals that her dad won’t be at the family meeting due to work obligations – he’s a federal district judge. Nick seems relieved because apparently no one has warned him that Rachel’s mom is a badass and isn’t afraid to ask tough questions.
Again, flowers and chocolates in hand, Nick goes to meet Rachel’s family. Nick meets Rachel’s mother, her cousin, her two sisters, and her brother-in-law, plus her nephew who fucking books it when he sees Nick. Good plan, young man. Stay away. I’d go play Legos, too.
Everyone sits down to dinner where they debate whether or not okra is “nasty.” Okra I enjoy. Grits, not so much. Seriously though, that dinner looks amazing. There’s brisket and mac and cheese!
Race is immediately a subject of discussion. Rachel’s sister (herself married to a white man) reflects, “Right now, with this climate that we’re in, I feel like we’ve seen more racism come out so he does need to be aware. It’s not something you can hide or ignore or live in a bubble. And you have to know how you’re going to navigate that path in a relationship.”
Rachel’s mom doesn’t beat around the bush and asks Nick if he’s ever dated a black girl before.
He tells her no and gives her some stuttering answer about how presumably facing racism together will make them stronger as a couple. Which…what?
Later, Rachel reveals to her mom that she and Nick have had uncomfortable conversations about being an interracial couple.
“It’s sad that we have to talk about it,” her mom reflects. “I would trust that you had thought it through. I like what I see so far, but only you can make that judgement.”
Then Nick kisses Rachel goodbye and heads to Miami, Florida, to meet Corinne’s family.
Corinne says she’s going to show Nick “a day in the life of Corinne” so they go shopping. Corinne buys earmuffs and a knit cap which doesn’t seem super useful in Miami, but what do I know.
The pair sips on champagne and shop at high end stores.
Nick shouts from the dressing room, “Corinne! I’m putting sweat pants on right now that are $800!”
If they cost $800, they aren’t sweat pants.
ALSO WTF!
Are they made of fucking unicorn wool!?
Corinne buys Nick an outfit, which makes him suuuuper uncomfortable. Traditional gender roles, man. Get over ’em.
Nick’s entire ensemble costs over $3000 and while Corinne signs the receipt, Nick rubs his hands down his chest nervously and says, “I’m like red with anxiety right now.”
For the first time ever, I actually identified with Nick. My mouth is dry. I’m getting itchy thinking about that outfit. My first car didn’t cost $3000. Yeah, okay the back door was permanently duct-taped shut, and also I had to drill holes in the bottom of the trunk because the seal was busted and it filled with water every time it rained, but that car lasted me a good six years.
Next they go to lunch. JESUS, NICK, WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T SPILL.
While Nick is super focused on not spilling, Corinne tells him she loves him. He just smiles and kisses her.
“I think I got a really good reaction even though he can’t say anything back,” Corinne says. “He had a look in his eyes.”
Wait? Is Nick actually not allowed to say he loves them? Does a PA tase him if that happens? DON’T PUT TAZER HOLES IN THAT SWEATER OKAY? WE MIGHT STILL BE ABLE TO RETURN IT!
Later Nick meets Corinne’s mom, dad, little sister, and Corinne’s nanny Raquel. Corinne has talked about her nanny many times on the show and I don’t think that Raquel necessarily a nanny to an adult woman. The “nanny” part is played up to make Corinne look spoiled, I’m guessing. Corinne’s mother points out that Raquel has been with the family for seventeen years. Regardless, Corinne talks about Raquel a lot and clearly there’s mutual love there.
It’s actually Raquel who immediately asks Nick what his intentions are toward Corinne.
Meanwhile Corinne’s father asks her what Nick does for a living.
“He used to sell software,” Corinne replies. “Um…”
He’s a professional reality show dude. That’s his job. HE HAS DONE THIS THREE TIMES.
Corinne’s dad shares some really nice looking fifteen-year-old single malt with Nick – which Nick clearly doesn’t deserve. I, however, deserve that Scotch. I’ve watched eight episodes of this. Give it to meeeeee! He points out that he’s concerned that Nick isn’t on a stellar career path (no shit) and that Corinne will be the primary breadwinner.
Now, as the breadwinner myself, I have to say that outdated ideas about who should earn money piss me off. I’ve supply most of our income and my hubs does all the domestic stuff that 1. I hate and 2. frees me up to work a demanding job while managing chronic illness. And it’s not a big deal. At all.
So we’ve had conversations so far about interracial couples and the fact that gender roles are fluid. On The Bachelor.
I don’t have enough rum for this.
Corinne’s dad says, “I think Nick is the lid to Corinne’s pot.”
I…okay.
Finally Nick goes to Montreal to meet Vanessa’s family. Vanessa is a special education teacher and takes Nick to meet her students.
Nick, Vanessa and her students make a scrapbook together. It’s a little weird to make a scrapbook of your bikini-clad teacher making out with some dude she met on reality tv but…I don’t even know anymore. I’m not drunk enough for this.
Later Nick meets Vanessa’s mother, her grandparents and…I can’t keep count. There are fifteen people and a lot of food. It’s pretty obvious that Vanessa’s family isn’t super enthused about Nick.
Vanessa’s mom pulls Nick aside and asks why he’s interested in Vanessa.
“Like when she got out of the limo,” Nick supplies helpfully. “Like I really liked your daughter right away.”
Vanessa’s mom stares at him like he’s an idiot. “Okay, but I don’t really want to know…not about the look-wise…”
Then Vanessa’s older sister asks how he’s planning on managing a relationship when they live in different countries.
Nick has an expression which strongly suggests that he didn’t know Canada was not part of the United States. Then Nick starts crying again (seriously, again). Probably because long distance relationships are difficult, but the editing made it unintentionally hilarious because it really seemed like Nick was in tears because knowing geography, much like sitting on the couch, is hard.
At this point the cat literally left the warmth of my lap to sleep alone, upstairs, in the dark, away from this show.
Vanessa tells her sister that if Nick proposes she would say yes. Her sister asks, “What is he planning on doing after this anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Vanessa says.
“Yeah,” her sister replies.
Maybe Nick can find a career impersonating dinosaurs. He was pretty good at that.
Next they head over to Vanessa’s dad’s place. There’s a woman there that ABC doesn’t bother to introduce, so I’m not sure if she’s Vanessa’s stepmom, aunt, dad’s best friend, or what. But when Vanessa talks about the travel they’ve done she says, “So it’s been like a big vacation?”
“Uhhhhhhh…” Vanessa looks panicked.
I bet all half my Kraken rum that she was thinking, DON’T RUIN IT FOR ME, LADY WHO ABC DOESN’T FEEL NEEDS TO BE NAMED! NICK THINKS I’M HERE FOR HIM! (I’ll show you my Bimini scrapbook later).
Nick asks Vanessa’s dad for his blessing if he decides, out of the four women, that he wants to propose to Vanessa.
Vanessa’s dad says no. He asks Nick if he asked the other three fathers the same question and Nick makes kind of a high pitched gurgling sound and looks around for Chris Harrison.
I fucking love Vanessa’s family.
“You are asking for my blessing, but what does that mean?” Vanessa’s dad asks, clearly pissed off.
“Yes,” Nick says.
Then Nick rambles on about respect and “this is real life for me” and I’m fucking uncomfortable so I’m drinking.
In the end, Vanessa’s dad gives Nick his blessing, I think? It was all a blur of vicarious embarrassment.
When Vanessa finds out that Nick also asked the three other dads (okay, Rachel’ mom and two dads) for their blessing, she’s upset.
“Knowing that’s a question that was shared with other people, it makes it less meaningful,” she says.
WHAT PART OF THIS SHOW SCREAMS MEANINGFUL TO YOU, VANESSA?
If the women make it through this round they each get the opportunity to dazzle Nick with their smexing skillz in the Fantasy Suite. Nothing about this is meaningful. Three nights in a row. Maybe ten days of antibiotics.
“I’m scared I’m going to regret all of this,” Vanessa says around tears.
I fucking regret all of this and I’m not on the show.
Cut to New York, Nick’s favorite city, where they are going to do The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Nick looks down from the balcony of a high-rise, where he definitely wasn’t just spitting on pedestrians below.
Nick says, “I’m still really confused about what I’m going to do tonight.”
Okay, Nick, let’s walk you through this: there are four women and three roses. When you have JUST ONE ROSE LEFT, Chris Harrison will come out to warn you because apparently he thinks none of us can count to four. Then one lady goes home, usually in tears, and the other three brave The Fantasy Suite Episode.
Then there’s a knock on Nick’s hotel room door and he opens it.
“Hello, Nick,” says a female voice in a very Fatal Attraction kind of way.
It’s Andi! The Bachelorette who broke Nick’s heart!
Holy shit, is she gonna kill him?
CUT TO THE CREDITS!
Who do you think is going home next week? My vote is Corinne. Do you think she’ll make it to the Fantasy Suite?